How To Cope With Being Sad

So here's the deal. There is this thing out there called bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is a mental illness marked by extreme mood swings from high (mania) to low (depression) and low to high. The mood swings may even become mixed, so you might feel elated and depressed at the same time.

Bipolar is not a rare diagnosis. More than 5 million people in the United States are living with some form of bipolar disorder. Unless you have severe mania, bipolar can be difficult to diagnose. Approximately 1 in 5 people diagnosed with bipolar also have borderline personality disorder. Symptoms tend to appear in a person’s late teens or early adult years, but they can occur in children as well. Women are more likely to receive bipolar diagnoses than men, though the reason for this remains unclear.

Why is this information important?  Well, I'm glad you asked!

This is just one of many of the things out there that explains why some people may be overly emotional. Today what I want to briefly touch upon is how to cope with being being a little overly emotional. 

DISCLAIMER: THIS WILL NOT WORK IN EVERY SITUATION OR EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE.

But what do I mean exactly? I mean, everyone has their own ways to deal with whatever may roll their way. Some like to hold it all in and bottle it up, while others like to let it all hang out.  This is merely another option if you know that you need to handle your emotions in a different fashion than you have been currently accustomed. 

Emotions: How Do We Deal With Them?

Here are a few common patterns I’ve observed that people use to “deal with” difficult emotions. I’ve personally noticed that these techniques apply to many of my patients, although there are of course other strategies.

• Avoidance: Growing up, I really believed everything was always happy. I wasn’t in touch with my feelings enough to even know I had sadness and pain buried inside. When we don’t deal with the source of our pain, it comes out in other, sometimes unhealthy ways. (For me, that was the habit of binging on chocolate.)
• Guarding: When a friend says something upsetting but we keep our disappointment to ourselves, we’re guarding our feelings. Sometimes we fear the friend’s response to our anger; sometimes we’re afraid of seeming vulnerable. But hiding true feelings can keep us from having authentic interactions with the people we feel closest to.
• Judgment: When we aren’t feeling secure and comfortable with ourselves, we’re more likely to pass judgment over everyone else. If we feel “fat,” we may be more inclined to focus on someone else’s faults instead of acknowledging that we’re dissatisfied with ourselves in that moment.
• Anger: Expressing anger can make us feel powerful when we’re feeling weak. If a friend makes a joke at our expense, instead of just saying the joke was hurtful, we might act aggressive to try to regain power in the relationship.
• Depression: Being consistently unable to deal with sadness or pain can lead to depression. It’s okay to be sad, but it’s a problem if we hate ourselves for feeling that way.
• Anxiety: Avoiding difficult emotions can result from anxiety. We often try to control things in our environment to relieve our anxiety, rather than dealing with the feelings directly.

Believe me, I've fallen victim to many of these different responses. But Is this really that healthy for our well being? No. The answer to that question is no. I know that doesn't mean that we'll turn it all around here and now and suddenly start dealing with things in a better, more self helping way, but it is good to get educated on some of the other ideas of handling some emotions.

Depression gets a lot of press and attention these days. But sadness is a different thing. Sadness is the feeling that comes from an unhappy event. Now, if you don’t deal with it, sadness can become chronic and lead to depression. This is why you might want to learn to deal with it when it comes. And it will come.

Just the other day, for example, I was very, very sad. Something happened in my life, which none of you need to know about or worry about because I am fine. Everything is fine, but something did occur which made me utterly and incredibly sad. And as I came out of it a little bit, I thought of this blog.

I made this list as much for me as for you...

1. Cry. Cry like you mean it. Oh, did I ever cry. I cried loud enough that I’m sure a neighbor or two wondered what was happening. As I cried, I thought about how I am like all three of my daughters bundled up into one. I flung myself on my bed and cried (just like my littlest). I checked my phone and cried (just like my teenager). I swore I had nothing to wear and would never leave the house again and cried (just like my oldest). And then my personal favorite: I cried in the shower. It’s not that crying feels good—in fact, it usually gives me a headache—it’s that it’s NECESSARY.

2. Write bad poetry. Or good poetry, if you can. The main thing is to write it out. Dealing with sadness is a little bit like detoxing—if you hold it in, it will fester and turn into something worse like sickness or depression. Get it out. Put words to it. Or pictures. Or music...

3. Listen to music. Sad music. Let yourself feel it. Look into the darkness and see that it’s not as scary as you thought. It’s just...sad. And sadness is a universal inspiration for great music.

4. Get dressed. I’m serious. In my darkest moment, I panicked and thought I had absolutely nothing to wear (I was traveling, so I had limited choices). But the act of actually putting work clothes on was a little like getting suited up for a battle I knew I had to face.

5. Go outside. Yes, despite your utter, brutal sadness, the world is going on as if nothing happened. As if all is well. And yes, soon you will be one of those people walking around like everything is fine. Because everything will be fine.

6. Work. It’s hard to cry when you are having a meeting about something completely not related to your current sadness.

7. Don’t be surprised if no one notices that you seem sad. Yes, your whole world has just fallen apart, but don’t expect anyone to say anything about it. Which is probably better anyway, since if they do you might just burst into tears, and that could be awkward.

8. Walk, run, or ride. The rhythmic physical exertion is good for you—natural endorphins will help you feel a bit better. Plus, sweat is a great camouflage for tears. You can cry all you want and people will just think you’re really working hard and in physical pain from your sport.

9. Clean something. One way sadness can lead to depression is if you let things go and suddenly the heaviness of everything drags you into a deep hole. Cleaning can make you feel like your world is a bit shinier and brighter. It’s like a little step stool to help you get out of the hole.

10. Get out in nature. The fresh air, the earth, the animals and birds will be a reminder that everything goes through cycles—even your life and your mood. Healing is a fundamental part of everything, and yes...it will get better.

11. Meditate. Ask the universe to guide you in your sadness—what do you need to learn from the experience? How can you grow from it? How can you expand your perception of what is possible?

12. Talk to someone. Friend, therapist, family member. Talk to someone you can trust who is just going to listen and comfort, not try to judge or fix you.

13. Take it one day at a time. If your sadness is due to a singular event, each day will get slightly better (as long as you follow my 21-step plan). If your sadness is due to a LACK of an event, determine to take action. And each day take one more action toward your own happiness.

14. Dream Baby Dream. Just when I was starting to feel better on my way to work the first day of my sadness, “Dream Baby Dream” by Bruce Springsteen came on and I cried even harder, even though Bruce himself was telling me to “Come on darling and dry your eyes” because “I just wanna see you smile.” But the message of this song is a perfect encouragement to start the process of healing and moving on and imagining a future when all this sadness you’re feeling at this moment will just be a distant memory.

15. Remember, it will get better. It will. It will. I promise it will! If we believe it, it will. Right?

16. Don’t forget to eat, but not too much. Interestingly, I realized that sadness makes me not want to eat. But not eating makes me cranky. And so I eat.

17. Comfort yourself physically. Take a hot bath. Get a massage. Take a nap. Wear a favorite sweater.

18. Start to laugh again. Watch a funny movie. Or stupid pet videos on Facebook and YouTube.

19. Give yourself time and permission. Heal on your own schedule, no one else’s. There is no right or wrong. I remember after my father died, people wondered why I was still sad a month later. They had no idea. No idea. It took a few years.

20. Be grateful for the experience. One day you’ll look back on it and understand it all in the arc of your life experience. And isn’t it better to feel something than to feel nothing at all? Understanding sadness makes the happiness all that much sweeter.

21. Focus on the good and move on. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and get on with things. Before you know it, you’ll be happy again. After all, you have so many things in your life to be happy about. Appreciate those things, and suddenly your sadness will feel smaller and your happiness will grow larger.

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This is just a quick list but don't let that limit you.  It's important that no matter what sort of emotion you're having that you are to Acknowledge your feelings. Sadness is normal and can even be healthy. Research has shown that experiencing mixed feelings and negative feelings is crucial to mental well-being. Many studies have shown that people who apologize for or repress their feelings actually intensify those negative feelings. Try to acknowledge your emotions without judging yourself for them. It’s easy to think, “This isn’t a big deal, why am I so sad about it?” Instead, accept your emotions for what they are. This will help you manage them.

Distract yourself. Studies have shown that rumination, or the process of going over and over your feelings of sadness, hinders recovery. Distracting yourself from ruminating on your sadness may help you overcome it. Find pleasant things to do. Doing things that you enjoy can help you overcome sadness, even if you don’t initially feel like doing them. Go for a walk. Take an art class. Find a new hobby. Learn how to play classical guitar. Whatever it is that you get enjoyment out of, make yourself do it. Interact with friends. Interacting with loved ones can boost your body’s production of oxytocin. Go to a movie, grab a coffee, go on a blind date. Studies have shown that retreating from others can worsen depressive symptoms, including sadness.

Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is based on acknowledging your experiences and accepting them without judging them or yourself. Research has shown that practicing mindfulness can actually change how your brain responds to sadness. It can also help you recover from sadness faster.
Because mindfulness focuses on remaining in the present moment, it can help you avoid rumination.

Stop the Negative Self Talk. Depressed people tend to see the world in a negative way. When things go wrong they blame themselves and when they go right, they put it down to luck. Depression reinforces self doubt and feelings of worthlessness. Monitor your inner negative talk and make allowances for this type of thinking by reminding yourself that your thinking is that of a depressed person, not a healthy functioning person. Don’t take your thoughts seriously when you are feeling low. Acknowledge the thoughts but this doesn’t mean you have to believe them. Keep perspective.

What we need to do most is Honor Your Feelings

To start getting in touch with your emotions, here are a few simple strategies:

• Pause: Not everyone needs a full therapy session to deal with his/her feelings. When difficult emotions arise, get in the habit of taking a moment to pause and consider how you’re feeling. Notice physical sensations too: Is your throat tight? Is your heart beating fast? Is your stomach in knots? Just recognizing these sensations is an important step.
• Breathe: Focus on the natural ebb and flow of your breath. It can help us feel calm and keep us from getting caught up in our feelings
• Reflect: Don’t resist the way you’re feeling. Instead, think about why you might be scared, anxious, or frustrated. These are natural emotions, but learning what triggers these feelings can help you can handle them more effectively the next time they arise.

Difficult emotions are part of the human experience. Be secure in your vulnerability. Real strength is not pretending not to feel; it’s the courage to know our feelings are OK. I'm not saying that this process is easy. Because it's not. But everything that we know now, we have learned from taking baby steps.  If there is a better way for you out there on how to cope or how to handle, it may not come natural immediately, but with best practices and a little help, you could become a master at any one of these.  Do what is right for you. Feel what you feel. Be the you that you need to be, with or without emotions.  

Good Luck.