The Narcissist Within : It's Not Me, It's You

One thing we have learned about narcissism is it is about living in the lie rather than in truth. The more our souls cry out for truth, the more we see through the illusion and realize where we are living in the lie.

Life has taught me that I attracted abuse into my life to show me the impurities within myself. I wasn’t sure I understood what “impurities” at the time, but it became clearer later on that the impurities are the part of ourselves that don’t serve the highest good of humanity. It is the arrogance, jealousy, greed, self loathing, feelings of inadequacy, superiority, judgment, and other qualities that we tend to despise in others but that are also hidden within ourselves. The people outside of us who trigger us or push our buttons are usually showing us something about ourselves we don’t want to look at.

If you look at a narcissist he is completely cut off from his subconscious to a point he is unaware that the qualities he is judging in you are actually within himself. He is projecting these qualities onto you and condemning you for these qualities. We find this kind of narcissism in religion, government and society at large where the shadow side of humanity is projected onto certain groups or people.

The question many have who have been involved in a personal relationship with a narcissist is “how did I attract this into my life?” The answer to that question is, there is something within you that is attracted to this because there is something that you need to learn. Often the narcissist will show us our own hidden narcissism which has been difficult for us to recognize in ourselves. It is something we don’t want to see, because it is not attractive. We are quick to own that which is attractive and beautiful, but we disown or cut off from that which we perceive as being unattractive and ugly.

A pathological narcissist is someone who has cut off from his unattractive qualities to an extreme. He is unable and unwilling to own them but quick to project them onto those who love him.

We often ask the question “how do I know I’m not the narcissist?” Because you feel your own narcissism. You feel the qualities of worthlessness, inadequacy, jealousy and neediness. You see your own obsessive and compulsive qualities. You have been put in touch with your own shadow, that which has been hidden within your psyche, your subconscious. When we come in touch with these hidden qualities within ourselves it is easy for us to initially feel that this is who we are. But we are not that! Those are simply our impurities, our shadow, our dark side. When brought into the light they cease to exist. So the key is to own those qualities within yourself and bring them into the light. Then they will no longer be a part of your reality and you will no longer attract the narcissistic people who reflect these qualities to you. If you do attract them into your reality you won’t invite them in to closely or for too long.

Some people ask me if they should leave their relationship or stay in it. I say this is a very personal choice. It is your life and you must make that decision for yourself. Kim Cooper from narcissismcured.com talks about the experience of changing herself as a result of her relationship to someone who she says was a narcissist. However this is not the path for everyone. I had to leave my relationships in order to find myself and the process of coming to the truth wasn’t over night. It took time. I needed to step out of the illusion in order to even begin that process. As long as I was feeling lost, confused, and in the depths of despair I wasn’t moving any energy in my life. It took my leaving these relationships to start the energy moving in a positive direction. Eventually I came to the truth within. I had a part in my narcissistic relationships. I had responsibility. But it wasn’t all me. However the parts that were mine were really where I needed to be focusing my attention in order to heal and move forward in my life.

When we obsess and focus on the narcissist in our lives we are avoiding looking at ourselves and our own role in creating the dysfunctional relationship. We tell ourselves that we didn’t sign up for it. We didn’t ask to be with someone who would mislead us and betray us. But the truth is we did! On some level, we may not fully understand we drew this relationship to us so that we could learn and grow. As long as we avoid looking for the lessons in this experience we will remain stagnant and in pain believing we are victims. When we can get to the truth of the matter we can shed our victim status and see the divinity in our situation. The truth is often very painful and difficult to face, but “The truth shall set you free!” If you are not feeling free in your life than it is time to dig deeper and find the truth in your situation. What are you hiding from within yourself? What is it that is keeping you stuck?

How Narcissists See Themselves

We often hear the term “narcissist,” but in reality, what does that mean? Does it merely describe someone who likes to be the center of attention or likes the way he or she looks, or is there more to it? The psychiatric literature defines narcissists as having specific traits such as having a sense of entitlement or requiring excessive admiration, to name a few. But what are narcissistic individuals really like on a day-to-day level?

Anyone who has lived with or worked for a narcissist will tell you: Narcissists view themselves entirely differently—i.e., preferentially—compared to others, making those around them less valued. And there’s the rub: everything must be about the narcissist. We don’t mind that a two-year-old needs constant attention. That’s appropriate for the developmental stage of a two-year-old. But we do mind when a forty-year–old needs that level of appreciation—and achieving it comes at our expense.

Narcissists victimize those around them just by being who they are, and they won’t change. That statement may seem extreme until you listen to the stories of those who have been victimized by a narcissist. Then you realize just how toxic these individuals are.

Work for a narcissistic boss and I can guarantee that he or she will make you physically or psychologically ill. Live with one and I fear for you. I can say that because in my researching, I read many stories of individuals who have been victimized by the narcissistic personality.

Below are the ways types of things that a narcissist would think, say, act, etc.

1. I love myself and I know you do, too; in fact, everyone does—I can’t imagine anyone that doesn’t.

2. I have no need to apologize. You, however, must understand, accept, and tolerate me no matter what I do or say.

3. I have few equals in this world, and so far, I have yet to meet one. I am the best (manager, businessman, lover, student, etc....).

4. Most people don’t measure up. Without me to lead, others would flounder.

5. I appreciate that there are rules and obligations, but those apply mostly to you because I don’t have the time or the inclination to abide by them. Besides, rules are for the average person, and I am far above average.

6. I hope you appreciate all that I am and everything that I have achieved for you—because I am wonderful and faultless.

7. I do wish we could be equals, but we are not and never will be. I will remind you with unapologetic frequency that I am the smartest person in the room and how well I did in school, in business, as a parent, etc., and you must be grateful.

8. I may seem arrogant and haughty, and that’s OK with me—I just don’t want to be seen as being like you.

9. I expect you to be loyal to me at all times, no matter what I do; however, don’t expect me to be loyal to you in any way.

10. I will criticize you and I expect you to accept it, but if you criticize me, especially in public, I will come at you with rage. One more thing: I will never forget or forgive, and I will pay you back one way or another—because I am a “wound collector.”

11. I expect you to be interested in what I have achieved and in what I have to say. I, on the other hand am not at all interested in you or in what you have achieved, so don’t expect much curiosity or interest from me about your life. I just don’t care.

12. I am not manipulative; I just like to have things done my way, no matter how much it inconveniences others or how it makes them feel. I actually don’t care how others feel—feelings are for the weak.

13. I expect gratitude at all times, for even the smallest things I do. As for you, I expect you to do as I demand.

14. I only associate with the best people, and frankly, most of your friends don’t measure up.

15. If you would just do what I say and obey, things would be better.

As you can see, it is not easy living with or working with someone that thinks and behaves this way. The experience of these victims also teaches us the following—and if you remember nothing else from this article, please remember this: narcissists over-value themselves and devalue others, and that means you. You will never be treated as an equal, you will never be respected, and you will in time be devalued out of necessity, so that they can over-value themselves.

But where do we get the insight to tolerate a narcissist? Let's read on.

Tolerating the Narcissistic Personality

Knowing the traits of the narcissistic personality and how narcissists view themselves is useful, but so is knowing what will happen to you if you continue to associate with them. I say this while being well aware that in many cases, children, the elderly, or the infirm that may not have a choice. In those cases, it is up to all of us as friends, relatives, teachers, coaches, associates and co-workers to assist as best we can.

Also, there are those who, for reasons of finances, circumstances, or because they are in a complicated relationship or marriage, will choose to stick it out. To them I say beware: you will be victimized and you will pay a price, be it physically, psychologically, or even financially. I say that from experience. If you do choose to live with or work with a narcissistic personality, be prepared to accept the following:

1. Accept that you are not equals because narcissists feel that they have no equals.

2. Those feelings of insecurity, dismay, disbelief, or incongruity that you are experiencing are real and will continue.

3. Because narcissists overvalue themselves, you will be devalued in time and at all the times after that. You will, in essence, become the narcissist’s chew-toy. Gird yourself to be repeatedly degraded.

4. You will be talked to and treated in ways you never imagined, and you will be expected to tolerate it.

5. The narcissist’s needs, wants, and desires come first above all others—no matter how inconvenient to you.

6. Be prepared on a moment’s notice for them to turn on you with reptilian indifference at a moment’s notice, as if any positive interactions in the past did not matter. You will question your own sanity as they turn on you, but that is your reality when involved with a narcissist.

7. When narcissists are nice, they can be very nice; but if you still feel insecure, that is because it is a performance, not a true sentiment. Niceness is a tool for social survival—a means to get what they want, like needing a hammer to hang a picture.

8. You will lap up the narcissist’s niceness, poodle-like, because it doesn’t come often, but niceness for the narcissist is perfunctory; merely utilitarian.

9. Be prepared for when the narcissist lashes out not with anger, but with rage. It is frightening! You will feel attacked and your sense of dignity will be violated.

10. Morality, ethics, and kindness are mere words—narcissists master these for their practicality, not for their propriety.

11. Narcissists lie without concern for the truth because lies are useful for controlling and manipulating others. When you catch them in a lie, they will say that it is you who is lying or wrong, or that you misunderstood. Prepare to be attacked and to receive counter-allegations.

12. If it seems that they can only talk about themselves, even at the oddest of times, it is not your imagination. Narcissists can only talk about what they value most: themselves. That is their vacuous nature.

13. Narcissists will associate with individuals you would not trust to park your car because they attract those who see narcissism as something to value: e.g., the power-hungry, the unscrupulous, profiteers, opportunists, and social predators.

14. Never expect the narcissist to admit to a mistake or to apologize. Never! Blame is always outward toward you or others, never inward. Narcissists have no concept of self-awareness or introspection. But they are quick to see faults in others.

15. They expect you to forgive and forget and above all never to challenge them or make them look bad in public. You must remember that they always want to be perfect in public. Don’t embarrass them or contradict them publicly, or you will pay the price.

16. Get used to losing sleep, feeling anxious, restless, less in control, becoming increasingly worried, perhaps even developing psychosomatic ailments. That is what happens when you live with or associate with a narcissist. Those insecurities are your subconscious talking to you, telling you to escape.

17. Lacking both interest and true empathy in and for you, narcissists absolve themselves of that pesky social burden to care, leaving you deprived, empty, frustrated, or in pain.

18. They will be unwilling to acknowledge even the smallest thing that matters to you. In doing so, they devalue you, leaving you feeling unfulfilled and empty.

19. You will learn to deal with their indifference in one of two ways: you will work harder to get their attention—with little reward to you because it won’t matter to the narcissist—or you will become resigned and empty psychologically because narcissists drain you, one indignity at a time.

20. You will be expected to be their cheerleader at all times, even when it is you who needs encouragement the most.

This is the sad, unvarnished truth about how narcissists see themselves, how they will behave, and how they will make you feel. I wish it were a better picture, but talk to the survivors of these personalities and they will tell you: it is that bad, it is that toxic. Why? Because the truly narcissistic personality is “severely flawed of character.”

5 Types Of Extreme Narcissists

You hear the narcissist label used quite a lot these days—in ordinary conversation, in news articles, on television. Most people use the word to describe men and women who think a little too well of themselves and don’t have much regard for the feelings of others. It’s often deployed as a put-down and in the realm of politics, an attack weapon.

Listening to the way narcissist is commonly used, you might get the impression that all narcissists conform to a consistent pattern. But narcissism actually occurs along a continuum of expressions, with healthy self-esteem at one end and narcissistic personality disorder at the other. Even men and women who demonstrate its more toxic forms—those I refer to as “Extreme Narcissists” in my new book—don’t act alike. They have differing personality types and different modes of shoring up a grandiose self-image. They also affect your self-esteem in different ways when they interact with you.

From least to most toxic, here are five types of Extreme Narcissist you might encounter, with some advice for ways to handle them (and yourself) when you come into conflict. (Each type can, of course, be of any gender.) Bear in mind that Extreme Narcissists always need to prove that they are “winners” in comparison to other people they view as “losers,” though their methods vary.

The Know-It-All Narcissist

This person is always eager to give her opinion, even when unsolicited, and believes she knows more than anyone else, no matter the topic under conversation. She likes to lecture, and she has a hard time listening because she’s too busy thinking about what she wants to say next.

• How to Cope: If possible, ignore her “helpful” suggestions, or offer polite thanks and move on. A direct challenge will most likely lead her to escalate her efforts in order to prove herself as more clever or better informed. You might also try modeling humility and expressing a flexible point of view. Be open to her views without necessarily endorsing them. It also helps to have a sense of humor. If you’re not triggered by her superior or condescending manner, you might find the Know-It-All Narcissist a bit absurd and ultimately harmless.

The Grandiose Narcissist

This type more clearly demonstrates a familiar kind of narcissism we all recognize: He sees himself as more important, and more influential, than everyone else. He touts his own accomplishments, exaggerates their importance, and wants to elicit your envy or admiration. He believes he is destined for great things. When charismatic and driven, his achievements may actually match his ambition and you may find yourself drawn into an admiring orbit around him.

• How to Cope: His assertions of superiority might make you want to stand up for yourself and compete. Don’t. Any challenge will only cause him to escalate his efforts to appear superior. On the other hand, you may find yourself drawn to a Grandiose Narcissist with charisma because you want to share in his superiority. He might strike you as a sort of celebrity, a person you’d like to submit to and serve. Be careful not to give too much: The Grandiose Narcissist won’t feel grateful and will do nothing to help you unless there’s something in it for him. If necessary, he will discard you without a second thought.

The Seductive Narcissist

Unlike the other types of Extreme Narcissist discussed here, this one manipulates you by making you feel good about yourself. At first, she will appear to admire or even idealize you, but her ultimate goal is to make you feel the same way about her so she can use you. She wants your support and admiration and will flatter you in order to get it. But when she has no further use for you, she’ll give you the cold shoulder.

• How to Cope: It helps to be humble. Don’t be swayed by flattery or excessive admiration, as wonderful as it may feel to receive it. Watch how she treats other people who may be her rivals or cast-offs. Seeing them suffer under her callous indifference might give you a glimpse into your own future, once you’ve outlived your usefulness.

The Bullying Narcissist

This is the man who builds himself up by humiliating other people. Though he may share common traits with the Grandiose or Know-it-All Narcissist, he is more brutal about the way he asserts his superiority. He often relies on contempt to make others feel like losers, proving himself a winner in the process. He will belittle and mock you, and when he needs something from you, he may become threatening. At his most toxic, he will make you doubt yourself and your value as a human being.

• How to Cope: As cowardly as this may sound, the best thing to do is avoid ruffling his massive ego. Don’t fight back in obvious ways to stand up for yourself: A direct challenge will only escalate his assault on your personality. In the face of his attacks, you’ll need a very strong belief in your own self-worth, without having to prove it, and if you find you can’t bear such treatment in silence, you might want to put as much distance between you two as you can manage.

The Vindictive Narcissist

While it’s possible to co-exist with a Bullying Narcissist, provided you don’t pose too obvious a threat, once you become the target of a Vindictive Narcissist, she will try to destroy you. You may have challenged her superior status in some way you don’t even recognize, and as a result, she needs to prove you the ultimate loser by destroying you. She’ll talk trash about you to friends and family. She might try to get you fired. If she is your ex-wife, she might try to turn your children against you and spend years tying you up in family court.

• How to Cope: Whenever possible, distance yourself before the damage to your psyche and your reputation has gone too far. More so than with the other types of Extreme Narcissist, your approach here must be legalistic: Vindictive Narcissists often know how to disguise their true nature from people other than their victims, so your survival will depend upon having hard evidence. Preserve everything, especially toxic emails, texts, and other communication. Get witness statements from any friends who may have been spectators to the behavior. If necessary, hire a lawyer.

For those who ask, “What can I do?” Conventional wisdom advises seeing a trained professional for guidance. That is wise but not always available. In my experience, there is only one solution that works. Distance yourself from these individuals as soon as you recognize them for what they are and as soon as it is practical. Get as far as you can from them and as your wounds heal, you will see your life change for the better and your dignity restored. As painful as distancing yourself may be, it is often the only way to make the hurting stop and to restore your own physical and mental well-being.

But Can A Narcissist Change? Is There A Cure?

Although many would disagree with me I believe anything can be cured. I am a fan of Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” where she talks about how incurable means “to cure from within.” This means that when a doctor says something is incurable that means the doctors don’t have a medicine or treatment for it that is proven to work. However it doesn’t mean that the patient himself can’t find a cure from his own inner resources.

Every day people are proving the modern medicine wrong in their belief that something cannot be cured. People are curing themselves of cancer, heart disease and diabetes on a daily basis. People are being cured of mental diseases, personality disorders and just about everything there is a name for.

I read about a young girl who grew up with a severely abusive narcissistic father. The result was MPD or Multiple Personality Disorder. She claims to have had hundreds of different personalities living in her head. Now she is completely cured and a beacon of hope and support for others who have been through abuse.

If someone can be cured of MPD this severe, than one can certainly be cured of NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. However the individual with NPD has to want to change. He has to have hit some point in his life where the pain of staying the same outweighs the fear of change or in this case the fear of facing the truth.

I think the problem we have here is that most people seeking the change are the victims of narcissistic abuse, not the narcissist’s themselves. The victims entertain fantasies of approaching the narcissist and saying “honey, I think you might have a problem, or you may have narcissistic personality disorder, and I need you to get some help for this little problem or I’m going to leave.”

The fantasy is that the narcissist will say “yes, honey, you are absolutely right, I’ve always felt something was deeply wrong with me and I want to change. I will schedule an appointment with the therapist this week.”

HA! Not likely, although I’m sure some readers have heard a similar story in the narcissist’s attempt to gain control of the relationship.

The more likely reaction will be the wrath of narcissistic rage being unleashed upon you. You have just threatened his security, which is the illusion he lives in. You are likely to be the subject of attack on just why it is that YOU are the one with the problem and he will deliver his wrath in such a way you begin to believe it.

As victims we must look upon a narcissist as a child, in a sense. He doesn’t live in our reality nor can he hear our words. You must understand that he has carefully constructed his world to protect him. This means keep danger out! Any threat to his self-image is danger!

It is encouraged for victims of narcissistic abuse to focus on themselves rather than the narcissist. This is where true change happens. You cannot hope to change him but you can change yourself. This means refusing to tolerate abuse on any level and taking control of your experiences.

Most victims of abuse will find themselves leaving, eventually, when they realize they cannot change the person they are with. By the time I hear from the victims they are worn down, lost, feeling used, depleted and in the deepest pain they have ever felt. They have nothing left to give.

So the question many have is “How do I know I am not the narcissist?” Therapists will tell you “if you have to ask the question than it is highly unlikely that you are a narcissist because narcissistic personalities don’t think the problem is with them.” Victims of abuse often feel the problem is with them and this is re-enforced on a regular basis by the abuser.

Perhaps the reason we often feel that we are the one with the problem is because we seem to be suffering a whole lot more, we seem to be obsessed, weak, insecure, needy, fragile, sensitive and observing behavior in ourselves that we don’t like. Meanwhile the narcissist presents as strong, calm and confident. Next to the narcissists confident exterior, we might feel our light is pretty dim, in fact, in may cases we feel our light has been stuffed out altogether.

Not to say that victims of narcissistic abuse don’t have a problem. If you are a victim of consistent abuse then you do have a problem. The problem is you continue to allow yourself to be abused and the question would be why? This is where you need to get help for yourself. Find out why you are allowing it, why you are giving him your power and your energy.

The more you can take your focus off the narcissist and put it on yourself the better you will be. The more you focus on trying to cure the narcissist the more trouble you will find yourself in.

There are people who claim to have cured the narcissism in their relationships and I feel in some cases, it is entirely possible. Nearly anything is possible. But change begins from within and if you are a victim it is time to stop being a victim and start being a victor. Start finding ways to empower yourself, stop allowing the abuse, get help, get your power back!

If you are a narcissist looking for a cure! Good for you! You can set the example for those to come. Anything can be cured from within [respectably], if you are willing to put the effort forth and accept responsibility for whatever you are struggling with.