Relationships: All the Crap That Goes Into Them

Relationships can be awesome. They can make you feel better than eating the perfect slice of ice cream cake, summer rain drizzling on your shoulders, and stretching in the morning after a particularly hard workout, COMBINED. But relationships can also be crappy at times, and when they get too crappy it’s time to take a stand. It’s one thing when your boyfriend or girlfriend snaps at you out of anger every once in awhile, or lets it slip that they don’t like your haircut, but if your partner is constantly doing things that make you feel awful, then you need to address that problem STAT. Here are some red flags you should totally shut down before they swallow you and your relationship whole.

1. Control freakishness

Asking where you are is okay—it usually just means a person cares, and that if something were to happen to you, they would at least know where you were last. Totally understandable. But if your partner is setting time constraints on outings with friends, or not “allowing” you to hang out with certain people, then you need to say something. Or maybe he’s controlling in other forms. Maybe he always wants to pick out the restaurant you go to on Saturday nights. Or perhaps he always insists on choosing the movie you go see. Basically, if you find yourself unable to make half of the decisions, you need to have a strongly-worded chat.

In addition to being difficult to break away from, controlling behavior can sometimes be difficult to spot, especially early in a relationship. Although friends and family might express concern, you may initially mistake the warning signs of controlling behavior as more positive—or even flattering—characteristics of the person you’re with. You may see them as encouraging signs of where your relationship is headed. Controlling people often know how to fly under the radar and how to make themselves look good. They can be skilled in manipulating the people they are dating into thinking that their friends and family must be wrong or jealous or overprotective. Controlling people may try to leave trails of "evidence" that they are good partners, and fool you into thinking that they only have your best interests at heart. And they can be adept at making you doubt and second-guess your instincts when your alarm bells do finally go off.

Following are some of the types of things that many of us look for—and very much want—in our relationships. In fact, they are the surface signs of a relationship that's healthy. But in the case of controlling relationships, they are often mirages—empty facades with no meaning or substance underneath. They form a superficial gloss hiding the more dangerous phenomena below. When this happens, what at first seem like wonderful traits are actually far more sinister. 

Attention -- A new partner's attention is one of the most flattering parts of a young relationship, and may be music to the ears of someone who has felt emotionally neglected by friends, family, or past romantic partners (which is why they can fall into controlling relationships more easily than others). Suddenly, you feel heard; you feel seen; you feel that this person notices important things about you and is making the effort to “get” you. That person wants to hear your stories; they remember your favorite flavor of soup; they can’t wait to see you and so they can’t help but pepper you with texts and calls throughout your day. Your new flame may want to spend every minute with you on weekends, or have more date nights per week than you were expecting, or spend the night at your place much more often. They may notice little things about you, physically or behaviorally, that no one has ever commented upon before. It feels good, and it certainly can be a healthy sign of an interested person. It can also, however, be the Trojan horse that lulls you into a falsely positive view of a partner. Controlling people often study up on their targets: They learn everything there is to know about them and then use it to their advantage, gradually nudging you past your comfort zone and denying the space you need to be an individual. They over-focus early in relationships, zeroing in on you like someone with a microscope. 

Desire for Commitment -- If you’ve been through the wringer of relationships that have gone nowhere despite your desire for them to do so, the idea that your new partner is eager to settle down can feel like a major triumph. “He (or she) wants to be with only me!” you may marvel. “At last, I’ve found someone who wants to get serious, and who doesn’t want to waste time or continue playing the field.” If your attraction to them is strong, it can feel like a match made in heaven—the stuff that 50th anniversary toasts are made of. And perhaps it really is. If that person is controlling, however, it can be something very different. A controlling person may want you all to themselves—and soon. He or she wants to limit your opportunities to compare them to others or to think twice about your decision of how deeply to get involved and how fast. What you may see as, “They like me so much they want to commit,” could be, in reality, “They see their opportunity to close me off to the outside world and my individuality.” They may say “I love you” far earlier than you expected, or initiate plans for vacations and meeting the family or even moving in together, in ways that surprise you. The danger is that you may try to push away your discomfort by convincing yourself that it is great that they are so into you. 

Affection -- It’s heady in new relationships: The knowledge that someone you’re into seems to be just as into you, and wants to show it to the world. Attraction is what motivates us to pursue a relationship with someone in the first place, and when we are attracted and they show their own attraction through affection, we can feel validated—or even like we’re walking on air. From middle-school days when we analyzed every word from our crushes, we’ve learned to be thrilled by affection from someone we’re attracted to. It couldn’t be more natural to feel good about it. It’s a beautiful thing as the dance unfolds in a healthy relationship. But what about in a controlling one? Sometimes, things might feel a little off—too much too soon, or too good to be true. There may be gifts or public displays of hand-holding that feel a bit over the top. There may be subtle pressure to be physically intimate more often or in ways that are beyond your comfort zone. Perhaps there's an invasion of physical space or forced attempts to kiss in front of others, or grandiose public displays. These things, when done by a controlling person, can seek to show "ownership" and warn others to back off.  

Passion -- How awesome to feel like someone cares deeply for you—so deeply that perhaps they get jealous when you talk to someone else. It might feel cute at first, or evoke legendary dalliances (Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, anyone?). But jealous behavior is a spectrum, and while one end might seem endearing—a partner getting flustered when an attractive person is blatantly hitting on you—the other end can be downright frightening, like when a partner wants you to cut off even the most harmless contact with coworkers or friends, or constantly asks you to account for your whereabouts. Early on, it may seem like your partner just cares so deeply about you that you should be flattered that he or she sometimes explodes when you don't seem to be doing the "right" thing, or when you devote attention to others. It may seem to be a function of how passionate they are about you. You might even think it's sexy that they get a bit upset that a bartender was clearly interested in you. But in controlling people, early explosions of anger or jealousy can spell serious trouble later on, as they're not only showing their inability to maintain a clear head and discuss things calmly, but are using their outbursts to shape you into who they want you to be—through intimidation and fear. 

Nourishment -- To feel truly taken care of is perhaps the deepest desire of most of us who want to settle into a monogamous relationship with someone. To have someone take off work to be with you when you're sick, to handle your bills if you are not the paperwork type, to make you a home-cooked dinner or fix for your leaky faucet or to be your late-night ride to the airport. Being nurtured in this way can be a great comfort in a serious relationship. But sometimes controlling people adopt a seemingly nurturing personality so they can get to the point where they are the only one allowed to take care of you. They might lull you into relying on them for everything, to the point that you feel you couldn't live without them if you were to ever leave. An early and extreme interest in being the only one you should rely on, to the extent that they seem to want you to shut out others—from friends to family to the landlord—can be a warning sign of a person who does not have your best interests at heart after all.

2. Unreasonable jealousy

Is he or she always worried you’re going to cheat on them, even if all you’re doing is going to Target to pick up some nail polish remover? That extreme kind of jealousy stems from major insecurities. We all get insecure sometimes, but it’s not normal if it becomes stifling.

Whether you are the jealous partner or whether your spouse is the jealous one, irrational jealousy can eventually destroy your marriage. Here are answers to frequent questions about jealousy and things you can do to overcome jealousy in your marriage.

What is Jealousy?

A. "Jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat -- real or imagined -- to a valued relationship or to its quality.

A nationwide survey of marriage counselors indicates that jealousy is a problem in one-third of all couples coming for marital therapy."  A.M. Pines, C.F. Bowes, "Romantic Jealousy: How to Recognize Where Jealousy Comes From and How to Cope With It" on Psychology Today, (1992).

"A little jealousy is reassuring and may even be programmed into us. It’s very common. A lot of jealousy is scary and has driven people to some very dangerous behavior. There’s no reason to believe that jealousy will improve with time or marriage ... Because jealousy goes right to the core of the self and its roots are deep, it is not something that can be banished by wishful thinking." Hara Estroff Marano, "Advice: A Jealous Fiance" on Psychology Today, (2004).

Is Jealousy Natural?

A. "In relationships where feelings of jealousy are mild and occasional, it reminds the couple not to take each other for granted. It can encourage couples to appreciate each other and make a conscious effort to make sure the other person feels valued ...

Jealousy heightens emotions, making love feel stronger and sex more passionate. In small, manageable doses, jealousy can be a positive force in a relationship. But when it's intense or irrational, the story is very different ... Occasional jealousy is natural and can keep a relationship alive, but when it becomes intense or irrational it can seriously damage a relationship." Paula Hall, "Understanding Jealousy" on BBC.co.uk

What Do Jealous People Feel?

A. Jealous individuals experience a multitude of feelings including fear, anger, humiliation, sense of failure, feeling suspicious, threatened, rage, grief, worry, envy, sadness, doubt, pain, and self-pity.

"Jealousy keeps us under a sense of discouraging frustration and disappointment. It makes us gloomy. It is such a depressing feeling that we cannot tell about it to even our best friends nor can we contain it within ourselves. Consequently, it leaves us with an inconvenience of a peculiar misery and if allowed to grow unchecked beyond a limit, it works like a slow poison to our healthy nature." Gyan Rajhans.

Why are People Jealous?

A. Jealousy can be caused by many factors.

• Unrealistic expectations about marriage in general.
• Unrealistic expectations about your relationship with your spouse.
• A misguided sense of ownership of your spouse.
• Hurtful experience of abandonment in the past.
• Poor self-image.
• Insecurity.
• Fear of being abandoned or betrayed.
• Fear of losing someone or something important to them.
• Intense possessiveness.
• A desire to control.

What are the Consequences of Irrational Jealousy in Marriage?

A. "For those who experience abnormal jealousy, the emotion sets up a self-fulfilling prophecy.

As their associates try to avoid them, their worst fears of losing love and respect are realized." Robert L. Barker, in the book Green Eyed Marriage.

Some of the underlying or reactive feelings of jealousy may also be: 

• Resentment.
• Increased lack of trust.
• Anger.
• Defensiveness.
• More arguments.
• Need for continual reassurance.
• Depression.
• Desire for revenge.
• Constant questioning.
• Physical reactions such as trembling, feeling dizzy, change in sleep patterns, and a change in eating habits.
• End of your marriage.

"People who feel secure and like themselves tend to be less jealous of others and less possessive of their partners, while those who have experienced abandonment or betrayal in their lives can become overwhelmed with jealousy ...

If you feel jealous, or if your partner does, it doesn’t matter. Eventually, jealousy will erode your relationship and destroy your marriage ... Jealousy is a way to exert control in a relationship ... Getting control of your jealousy does not mean getting control of your partner, it means getting a handle on your own emotions." Dr. Gail Saltz, "Jealousy: Is It The Same for Men and Women?" on MSNBC.msn.com (2006).

How Can a Couple Handle Jealousy?

A. "Can jealousy be overcome? The answer is yes, but with great effort. Like most other difficult emotional experiences, jealousy, if treated correctly, can be a trigger for growth. It can become the first step in increased self-awareness and greater understanding both of your mate and of the relationship." A.M. Pines, C.F. Bowes in "Romantic Jealousy: How to recognize where jealousy comes from and how to cope with it" on Psychology Today (1992)

• Admit your jealous behavior and accept that your jealousy is hurting your marriage.
• Discuss the roots of your or your spouse's jealous feelings.
• Don't spy on your spouse.
• As a jealous spouse, make a decision to change your behavior. You may need to get individual counseling.
• Realize you can't control someone else.
• Together, set fair ground rules that you can both live with.
• If you are the non-jealous partner, don't lie or try to hide where you are or what you are doing.
• Seek professional help as a couple if necessary

3. Expecting you to change who you are

When you settle down with a person and become involved in a committed, intimate relationship, for the most part, you accept that person for who they are. You accept their bad habits, their diets, their hair, their hobbies, their friends; you accept everything, and you don’t force them to change (unless it’s something life-threatening and dangerous, obviously).

Two self-assessment questions to start:

1.    Are you generally impatient toward the person you want to see changed?

2.    Are you easily frustrated, critical, unforgiving, bitter, or fearful toward the person that you would like to see changed?

There are more questions I could ask, but these attitudes are enough to help you assess your heart toward those you care about and want to serve. If any of these things reflect a consistent pattern in your life toward others, the first thing you need to do to better position yourself to help them is to change yourself. Being redemptive in the lives of other people starts in your heart toward God, not theirs.

4. Unhealthy fighting

There’s healthy fighting, and then there’s unhealthy fighting. You know the kind I’m talking about: the kind you hear through your paper-thin walls in your apartment. That couple that’s screaming at each other for hours, yelling mean you-can’t-take-that-back things. Don’t be those people, and don’t ever let anyone verbally abuse you.

5. Constant, stupid bickering

Bickering totally happens. When you’re with someone all the time (or most of it, anyway), they’ll piss you off. Maybe they’re driving too fast in your car, or you didn’t like the sarcastic tone in their text message. Totally normal. However if this is your relationship all the time, pause for a sec. Is your partner being mean for no reason at all? Making fun of you? Starting a war just because? Not okay.

6. Completely unbalanced house chores (i.e., you’re the maid)

If you’re cleaning the floors, the bathrooms, doing all the laundry, dishes, vacuuming, and your partner’s just like, “Oh yeah, I’ll do nothing,” you need to speak up.

The problem isn’t the task itself; it’s keeping it in mind. If she doesn’t remind me ahead of time, I’ll only notice at the last minute and get in her way, squeezing by her to grab the silverware while she plates the food.

French comic artist Emma describes and addresses this problem in “The Gender Wars of Household Chores”: Among straight couples, even when men do equal work carrying out household chores, women still disproportionally bear the “mental load” of keeping track of those chores. This creates a kind of continuous partial attention that takes up energy and raises stress. It also creates an invisible hierarchy where men feel like employees running afoul of the boss.

Men often fail to appreciate or share this invisible management job. If you can help carry the load, you can relieve your partner’s stress and feel less like an underling. 

Anticipate needs -- Part of the solution is simply raising your awareness. Don’t just “do the laundry”—monitor the hamper and take the initiative to run a load. Examine when your tasks usually need to be done, and plan ahead for them.

I’m learning to set the table an hour ahead of time. And my kind and patient wife is learning that if she says, “Don’t worry, you have plenty of time,” she’s just enabling me to avoid that mental load.

7. Lying

Whether it’s about something huge, like where he was last night until 3 a.m. or something smallish, like spending some money out of your joint savings account to buy new shoes, lying is never acceptable. In fact, lying is one of the easiest ways to totally doom your relationship.

What makes somebody lie sometimes and tell the truth other times?

When people face this question about why people lie sometimes and don't lie other times, the common answer has to do with something about the internal state about the person. The person is hungry, is tired, is exhausted and there is some truth to that. There is some changes that happen to us internally that make us cheat more or less. In particular, one of the things we find is being mentally exhausted gets people to cheat more, and here is the finding: There is something called depletion. Depletion is the idea that when we exercise self control, when we try to resist temptation, we try to resist a cake and a cookie and Facebook and Youtube and saying something nasty to someone and so on. As we try and resist temptation more and more and more our ability to resist temptation diminishes until eventually we kind of collapse and give in.

Dishonesty is one of those things. As we get tired by resisting temptation in all kinds of aspects of our lives we end up falling to temptation to a higher degree and cheat and lie to a higher degree. So, going back to the question about why people lie sometimes and not other times, there are clearly changes that happen within a person over time, but what we find is that an even bigger effect has to do with the environmental circumstances that are around us. So, often we think about people as agent, so we decide and we act, and we act on our preferences and we are kind of executing our own internal state, but the reality is that the decisions people often make are best described by the environment in which they are placed. When we place people in some environments they are able to cheat to a higher degree and when they are placed in a different environment, that same person with the same mindset ends up cheating to a much lower degree.

8. Not supporting your dreams

I'm currently in school. Trying to better my career by getting my degree. My boyfriend goes out of his way to remind me how proud he is of me that I'm working towards a better future for myself and for our future family. He rewards me for finishing my homework by taking me for ice cream (one of my favorite treats). He adds little reminders to go off randomly in my phone calendar to send me happy messages and remind me how important to him I am.  But if he didn’t do any of those things, or if he made me feel badly about being glued to my laptop for classes, I don’t know how our relationship would even function. If you’re really into traveling, or art, or cooking, and he’s just not into what you love at all, then it’ll make you feel resentful.

9. Asking you to put his or her needs before yours—all the time

You both have needs. You can’t live for another person’s needs, end of story.

10. Past-life shaming

Look, we’ve all done stupid things when we were younger. We’ve been with the wrong partners, done things we may now regret, and we may have even worn platform Sketchers in the ‘90s. So, there’s no need for anyone to be judgmental or hold an unnecessary grudge. It matters what happens while you're together. Take note of actions and words that your partner does and how often they repeat. Typically, humans are creatures of habit. If they do it once, they're likely to do it again. 

11. Pressure to get married if that’s not something you’re ready for

Hey, if that’s not something you want right now, then don’t allow your partner to corner you into anything. If things are good as they are, why rush? Weddings, from what I hear, are expensive, time-consuming, and oh yeah, they’re hard to get out of. You both should be on the same page if marriage is on the table.

12. Deep uncoolness to your friends

Like the Spice Girls once wisely said, “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Sometimes life isn’t always butterflies and roses. We wish it would be, right? You finally meet the perfect mate and everything is going well. There aren’t any red flags. Things are easy and it all seems right. After a while you decide it’s time for your friends to meet your significant other. That’s when life gets in the way of your picture perfect story and BOOM, your friends and your partner don’t get along.

What are you to do in this tricky scenario? Of course, you want your lover and your best friends to get along swimmingly. But what happens when they just don't mesh well? Your friends are a big part of your life and so is your partner. You want your two worlds to become one. And when that doesn’t seem to be going in that direction, which way do you turn?

We’ve all been in sticky situations before, but this one is a doozy. It’s a hard and complicated road to navigate. So put your seatbelt on, it’s bound to be a bumpy and uncomfortable ride. 

What Is The Reason Behind It? In order to figure out the solution to this problem you need to know the whole problem entirely. What is it about your friends that your partner doesn't enjoy? Does he not like them because of how much time you spend with them? Does he not like their personalities? It is their influence on you that your partner doesn’t prefer? In order to fix this puzzle, you are going to need to know where all the pieces lie.

Jealousy? One thing to think about if your significant other doesn’t like your friends is jealousy. If your partner is jealous of the time you spend with your friends, you have got two things on your hand. Either you have gotten yourself in a relationship with a possessive person, or you are literally spending more time with your friends than your lover. If it’s the latter, you know how to fix that. But if it’s the first option, this is a serious red flag. I suggest putting down that flag quickly and making a run for it.

What Do You Say About Your Friends? You know when you come back from a girls’ night out and you go on and on about your friends? Well maybe you got caught up not saying the nicest things. It’s possible that after your mate constantly hears these stories about your friends, he or she has formed quite the judgement. If you only discuss how Lacy keeps cheating on her girlfriend and how Laura can never be happy for you, then it makes sense your partner isn’t going to have the highest opinion of them. Words are powerful, remember that.

13. Giving you attitude about sex

Just because you’re in a long-term relationship, that doesn’t mean you have to have sex when you don’t want to. If you’re not in the mood, then you’re not in the mood. If you’re too full, or too sad, or too tired, you don’t have to pretend to be into it. Just say no, and if the person you’re with doesn’t respect that, or acts pissed off, then tell them how you feel. It’s normal for your partner to feel hurt or rejected (and there are nice ways of letting them down), but they need to understand that it’s your body, and your decision. Sex isn’t a one-person act.

14. Apathy

You know when you first started going out on dates and you two couldn’t shut up? You had so much to talk about, and you would notice the other couples sitting around you and not saying a word, and you would note to yourself that you would never be like that. Well, three years have gone by, and you guys have become THAT COUPLE. He doesn’t care what’s going on in your life. He doesn’t ask you how your day is going. When you’re upset, he doesn’t even try to comfort you. You deserve more than that. You don’t have to call it quits, but you don’t have to let a relationship turn into something that makes you feel insignificant. 

Eyelashes are my Faith. What's yours?

What happens when you lose an eyelash? Do you brush the errant lash away without regard? Or does the discovery mean something more? For many, finding a stray eyelash is an opportunity to make a wish.

A 6-year-old girl may wish on every loose lash she finds, but probably doesn't really expect she'll wake up the next morning to find a pony stationed outside. Her mother, even though she's well into her 30s, wishes on loose eyelashes, too. She doesn't really believe that her wish will result in a work promotion or lottery jackpot, but figures an occasional try can't hurt. After all, she's been making wishes on eyelashes as long as she can remember, and deep down, she thinks making wishes wards off bad luck.

Much like wishing upon a star, tugging on a wishbone or other wish-related rituals, a loose eyelash could be a direct route to your deepest desire -- if you believe, that is. The superstition that compels us to wish on otherwise random objects dates back at least a couple of centuries. Several versions of eyelash wishing existed in 18th century Britain and Ireland. For example, folklore recorded in Shropshire, England, instructs that if "an eyelash comes out, put it on the back of the hand, wish, and throw it over the shoulder. If it leaves the hand, the wish will come true." Another version, this one passed among Cornish schoolgirls, reports a loose eyelash must be placed on the tip of the nose or the back of the hand. If it is successfully blown off the surface, the accompanying wish will materialize.

While the origins -- and success rates -- of wishing on eyelashes are historically murky, one thing is clear: It doesn't count if you pull out an eyelash and try to make a wish. In fact, it's not a good idea to pull out your lashes under any circumstances. An eyelash can take up to eight weeks to grow back.
Why the topic of eyelashes and not birthday candles or dandelions or the infamous 11:11 on the clock? Well, because I feel that out of all of the superstitious tendencies that are out there, that is the one I partake of the most. So I’m not really superstitious – but I am a little-stitious. 

Realistically, it puts most of the determining outcome on the faith that you put into it. Faith is one of the few things in the world that helps get people through their day, every day. I’m not talking about the type of faith that associated with religion. Though, in some cases, that sort of faith is what derives peoples’ survival. I mean more about the little wishes that we make that we put our faith into to send out good vibes into the world with hopes of getting them back in return from the world. And maybe that’s just it. We rely on hope. Hope for the best in people, hope for the best in the world, hope for the best for ourselves. 

Maybe that’s just what it is all about.  Faith. Like the bracelet that I keep around my review mirror. Faith is what keeps me going. So what are eyelashes to you?

So where is your blind spot?

Blind spots. When I first thought about that term I immediately think of in a car. That typical corner of the vehicle where you have to use all angles and mirrors and passengers just to see if there is anything there. But now I view it much differently. 

A blind spot for me is more about what I cannot see. (Obvious, right?  Not so much.)  It's easy for your friends to see that someone is treating you badly, but somehow we justify it to make it seem okay.  It's easy for you to see when something is unfair for someone else, but somehow they can't when they take a good look at the situation. It's easy for you to point out others flaws but much more difficult to see your own.  These are the blind spots I'm talking about.  The things we can't admit to, or choose not to acknowledge, like mistakes and problems. And it's much more than just ignoring the truth. What do we really do about this situation?   Don't worry, I'm here to help.

I'll start by giving you a bit of my experience. 

Major life changes are pretty big, right? Little intimidating and pretty overwhelming. Well, some of them are handed to you and some of them you have to take.  In my situation, I encountered both.  Unfortunately for me, they both ranged complete opposites on the emotional spectrum. One being extremely positive making me feel very happy and excited and looking forward to the future, while the other very negative leaving me sad and distraught with so many unanswered questions.  Both happening in the same week. Can we just say emotional rollercoaster?! That doesn't even come close.

Backstory:  for the last 2 years I have really been focusing on what I want out of my career.  I knew I didn't want to work at some dead end job forever and that someday I wanted to own a business of my own. I just hasn't pinpointed what sort of business it was yet. So I did a very generic Venn diagram. You remember those from grade school?  The two circles that partially overlap and share parts of their circles with each other. Yeah surprisingly helpful! Let me tell you how. So in one circle, I listed things that I know or want to know. In the second circle I listed things that I enjoy or am already good at.  In the middle I listed jobs and careers that incorporate both.  I won't get into the nitty gritty of it, but what I found seemed so obvious after I had found it that I couldn't believe that I had never thought if it before. My dream career.

After figuring this out, I starting making action plans toward reaching my goals. Going back to school, taking all the right classes, meeting all the right people, exposing myself to as much experience as I could get to show that I had some sort of experience. Then, when I felt comfortable enough to say I had required experience and knowledge I started applying.  I had some trial and error; asked for feedback; I made it clear that I wanted this and I need to work to get it.  To make a long story short, the positive part of the story is that I finally received a position in the department that I had been working towards for so long.    Nothing could have made me happier!  The nice pay raise would help me solve all my money troubles and my relationship would flourish because we wouldn't have to worry anymore about little things.   Or that's what I thought.

Backstory:  A little over two years ago, I met someone.  Someone who struck my fancy,  but I was a little unsure about. Someone I couldn't get out of my mind. Someone that despite all of my ambitions to make my life for myself, made me want to start making a life for us. What?! Us? What happened to me? It was all about me!  Me! Me! Me! And now this person is suddenly all I care about. All I think about. Who I spend all my time on. Why? I couldn't explain it.  6 months later I had figured it out.  I had found that magical person that people talk about associated with love and soul mates and all that garbage that I didn't believe in...at the time.  But Why?  That to this day is still an unanswered question. 

Fast forward to today. The typical love story ensued and we were happy,  or so I thought.   One day he comes to me to start telling me the truth.  A truth that I couldn't understand.  I truth that I couldn't see.  I truth that destroyed my fairytale.
If you don't see where this us headed than I'm sorry I'll make it less cryptic. This person broke up with me.

This is a person that I started changing all of my life plans for. This is a person that I actually for once picture myself in the future not being alone, but with them.  This person was my life.   To save the dramatic explanation, it felt like someone had ripped out my soul and made me watch while they put it in a blender mixed with the feces of the world.  I felt worse than any time that I could recall in my entire life. 

That happened the same week i got the news of my dream job.   At this time, I still feel very conflicted about everything that's going on.  But like I said, major life changes are pretty big, right?

I have officially found my breaking point. Well, someone else found it for me.

Typically, when I'm sad, I give myself a period of time to sulk. The period of time varies upon how serious the thing that has made me sad.  After that designated time has expired, I force myself to move on.   By then the tears should all he out; the unspoken words should be said; the feelings should start diminishing.   Beyond that I stay busy. Distractions are key. And I won't lie, a small drinking binge has always saved my life when I need it. I would he lying if I said that I wasn't in close cahoots with alcohol.

So why is all of this relevant to the title of this post?  Well, when I had an opportunity to get the job that I wanted, I self doubted and created a blind spot. A blind spot that didn't show me how great I was for the position that I wanted.  ALSO with my specific person, I created a blind spot for them. I gave them over all power and never anticipated something like what I described above to happen. So I wasn't prepared for either circumstance.  (Being ill-prepared is one of my least favorite things.)  These are my blind spots.

So where do I go from here?  Well it's actually easier to lay out into steps than you think. Give yours elf time to feel and time to express those feelings. But then: 
1. Focus on the positive.
2. Generate new hobbies to replace the old ones.
3. Find the good in what you're doing.
And finally...
4. Accept what you cannot change.

The sooner you accept the sooner you can start to move forward.  The sooner you move forward you can start to forget.  The sooner you forget, the sooner you can feel whole again.

I'm going out of order, so don't feel like it's necessary to follow that number order.  Everyone grieves and celebrated in different ways. When you find what works for you, remember it because you are likely to create more blind spots in the future.  It is inevitable.

Going forward,  know you have a support system. Someone will be there for you. Someone will help you along the way. You just need to let them.  

You'll get there.  I'll get there.

I still love him. I will never not love him.

So What's Your Story?

“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living, I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.”

–The Invitation by Oriah

Unlike the metamorphosis that occurs to a butterfly or a frog, telling a story will probably not dramatically alter your character, physical structure, or even circumstances. However, as a storyteller, you can imagine it did.

I want to know what your story is…

7 Billion Stories in the World

I don’t care what you do or what you own.  I just want to know who you are. What about your uniqueness, the experiences you’ve had and the learnings you’ve gained. I want to know your story.

So what is your story?  Everyone has one. No two stories are the same. There are over 7 billion people in this world and none are like you. You are unique. Your entire life journey including your upbringing, challenges, hard learned lessons, your experiences, achievements and gifts, are all a series of footprints that have brought you to this very moment in time as you read these words.

Every person you walk or drive past on the street has their own story. Every person in front of you in line at the grocery store has their own story. Every friend and work colleague in your life has their own story. The old man who lives up the street and wanders past my house each day has his own story. The girl on the bus sitting opposite me right now who has tears in her eyes, she has her own story. The boy in the library who never stops laughing, even when his mother constantly asks him to be quiet, he has his own story too.

Think about the millions of moments, the series of events that leads each person to cross your path. Who are they really underneath that exterior? Where did they come from? What do they long for? What makes them tick? Will you ask?

Life is a tapestry of people weaving in and out of your life, people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Everyone has something to offer and share with you. Imagine treating every person you encounter, no matter how fleeting, as an intriguing story waiting to be told. But the story can only be told if someone asks to hear it. Will you ask? That person you see standing before you, no matter who they are, young or old, rich or poor, angry or kind, is like a blockbuster movie ready to enthrall you. But, first you have to buy a ticket.

Cocktail Conversations

As I stood in a room full of people at a cocktail party once, I realized that every opening conversation was dominated by this question, “What do you do?” We seek to understand and define people by their ‘doing’ in the world. For some reason we categorize and rank people’s worth in this world by what they “do.” Does what you do matter more than who you are? No. What you do is only a small part of who you are. Do we care about each other enough, and are we interested enough in what we can learn from each other, to stop asking “What do you do?” and start asking “Who are you?  What is your story?”

So, I’d love to ask you something, and I’m not asking a rhetorical question.  I really want to know…

• What is your story?
• Where were you born?
• Where do you live now?
• What makes you smile?
• What is the most important life lesson you’ve learned so far?
• What is your deepest fear?
• What is your greatest dream for your life?
• Who are you?

Normalizing the Question

There is only one way that we can normalize this “What is your story?” question in our society. And that is by starting to ask it, and by each of us individually being willing to answer it wholeheartedly, knowing that the person asking it genuinely wants to know.

Superficial chit chat about what we “do” and what we “own” doesn’t have to dominate our interactions with those closest to us or with complete strangers.

I don’t know you at all. You’re a complete stranger to me. But I genuinely want to know your answers.

I’ll go first…

Here’s my story.  

My name is Cassandra Leigh Taylor. Personally, I’m not a huge fan of the long formal name, so I go by Cass or Cassie. Only a select few can get away with actually calling me Cassandra [my mother included when she disapproves of something I’ve done].  I am the youngest of three children in my family. I wanted to note that to make sure that I can confirm that being the baby child really does has its advantages. You get away with much more, tattling is expected, and all the special privileges, everything that you’ve heard is definitely true. Moving forward, my sister wasn’t around much in my childhood, not because of any terrible thing or anything, but more for due to our significant age difference.  Technically, my sister is my half-sister, though that doesn’t make us any less siblings. I spent a lot of time growing up looking at her pictures, mailing her handmade drawings of her favorite cartoons, writing letters, etc. She was very much a part of my childhood without necessarily being present. There is more to discuss with the topic of my sister, but that’s for later in my story. 

My family owns a business and has since before I was born.  With that knowledge, it is to be expected that my parents were very busy; mostly my dad. Now that I’m older, I can see that my mom took some time away from the business to raise my brother and I. She spent all of her time with us, and I can’t imagine that it was pleasant all the time. My brother and I were wretched as kids. My mom was great to us. We had movie nights and camp out in the living room. She let me camp out in my blanket nest under the dining room table whenever I wasn’t feeling well. She let us run up and down the aisles at the store after hours while she did her work. She would get up early to take us to school and make sure to pick us up at the bus stop every day. She would help me with my homework, and make me cute outfits from really cool patterns she’d get at the fabric store. My mom was really the best.

As a kid, my parents got my brother and I into the youth bowling leagues. It became our family affair. We were all in bowling leagues, we would all go to state, we would all get trophies and medals and patches. It became something really big for me as a kid. We would hang out there with all the adults on the adult league nights and would go every Saturday morning for our youth leagues. Everybody knew who I was in the bowling community, though, I’m sure that was just based on who my parents were.  [huge fast forward, that hasn’t changed. Everyone in town knows me because of who my parents are.] 

Being a girl didn’t stop me from doing stuff with all the boys. My dad got me into shooting archery at a young age also. It was one of my summer hobbies, up until I got 3rd place in a shoot and received my first trophy at the age of 12. Around that time, I started thinking spiders were gross and I faded away from the tomboyish charm that I had. 

Around the age of 14 I started getting into the local youth groups, mainly because that’s what all my friends at school were doing. We were never really raised in the church community. We were just raised to be good people.  I don’t think that it was because my family every had anything against the church, it was more just that instilling us with good manners and good qualities like honesty and integrity, were the basics of being a good natured human being.  

I came to find out that it wasn’t exactly something that I wanted, it was more what the popular kids wanted.  Most of the way through elementary, I was more of a follower. I wanted to be part of the popular crowd, but I never really did anything to try to join the popular crowd. So around Jr High, I broke free from that morale and tried to find out who I was as a person [a young adult who had no idea what i wanted kind of person]  I dyed my hair, I wore my makeup how I wanted, I used the money I got from my job at the family business to buy my own clothes for my own self-expression, I listened to new music, I wanted to pave my own way. Some would call it going through the “goth phase” but I still call it my chance to break away from the heard. I made new friends that liked me for who I was, like my personality and sense of humor, instead of because I just agreed with everything they said or laughed at all their stupid jokes. EVENTUALLY, I did fade out of that phase, but not for a few years. I mean, I still to this day dye my hair black, but that’s more to accentuate my fair porcelain skin. I got involved in extracurriculars including volleyball, basketball, softball, track, vocal, plays/musicals, speech and drama, and my part time job and small excuse for a social life. But my few friends and great experiences lead up to a lot of good memories. 

A huge event that I should mention from my life was in 2005. I was close to getting my school permit, so my family bought a used car for my brother and I for school. That car had more in store for our young lives than I had ever anticipated. 

We had had that car for a total of 3 days before something tragic happened. To spare you the gory details, I'm sure you guessed that an accident occurred. Of the 4 people in the car, only two survived. My brother...and me. It was devastating for the other families involved because our families were close.  The other two in the vehicle were Sam Ahrens and Nathan Bass. My brother's best friend, and my best friend's brother. I was in the hospital for a couple of weeks and I missed the funerals. I had a massive head injury, a concussion, some cuts and bruises, a huge seat belt burn and a bite through the tongue. I was out of school for a month, and out of sports for a whole year. It was worse for my brother. He broke his leg, I want to say that he broke a rib, but what he endured emotionally was so much worse than anything he could have endured physically.

After the crash, he was still conscious and aware. He no only had to see it all, but he had to climb out of the vehicle to see the wreckage and ruins. I will never know what he saw. To this day, I still have not seen the photos of scene. But beyond that, he went back to school much earlier than I did, only to deal with the worst form of bullying I've ever seen in my entire life. People who didn't understand what had happened, who didn't consider the accident, who didn't know us personally or the relationship we had with the boys, called him things like murderer, killer, and things of that nature. He was tormented not just by the other kids, but by his own mind. He never let it show, but a sister knows. My heart wept for him. To this day, I'm not sure how he really feels about the whole ordeal, but he has accepted what has happened that it wasn't his fault.

This experience, though horrid and unforeseen, has taught me to take the day as it is and make the most of it; To not your loved ones for granted; To appreciate the little things and get past the things that don't really matter; because we don't know how long we'll be here, we don't know what we're going to have time for, or what we're going to miss out on.

Now that the water works have burst, it's a good segway into the next piece of my story. This is where we get back to my mother. As a typical teenage girl, I went through my "angst" phase. I fought her every step of the way. Looking back now, I feel like I was the worst teenager ever. I don't know how my parents tolerated me, my mouth, and my actions. I know it is just what teenagers do, but that's no excuse. Growing up my mom and I were best friends, and then I went straight into hating her. Not like truly hating her, but I didn't understand at the time that she was trying to help me make better decisions for myself. I respect that now.

None that ever lasted more than a few months. High school was really my time to branch out my personality and find my style. Where people really started to get to know the real me and know me for more than what my parents were. I had a few semi serious relationships while I was in high school. At the time, being that it was all I knew, I thought I was in love. I thought it was all I was destined for. I blew off my friends to spend all my time with the guy of the month [not to imply that I got around, but there were a few suitors]. That was until my senior year of high school.

...

Oh my senior year of high school. I fell in love at first sight [or so I thought].  The next portion I'm going to speak about was a good portion of my young adulthood. His name was Eli. He was the only boy that I couldn't just walk up and talk to without stumbling over my words and getting so flushed in the face that I thought i was having hot flashes. So I knew that there was something about him that I just couldn't ignore. Eventually, as the story goes, we talked, we dated, we loved. He was my first real and serious relationship. Equivalent of 7 years passed together. I'm not going to go into detail about the good and the bad of this relationship, because we could be here for days while I talk about that alone. But I will tell you what I learned.

Through our conquest, I learned what it was like to be loved, to be put on a pedestal, to be betrayed, to belong, to be burned, and to stand up for myself. My experiences with Eli made me the person that I am today. I now know, in detail, what I want in a person, and what I don't want. I can honestly say that I am a more complete woman now for having had the opportunity to learn and grow with him. Of course, now I know better. These sorts of relationships are the reason that for so long, I projected out that true love was a myth. 

Let's backtrack for a second. Aside from my first real long term boyfriend, I got a violent shove into adulthood as I graduated high school and had to start making real decisions that I wasn't ready to make. I didn't know what it was like to make life altering decisions, like choosing a college or a major, or a place to live, or what type of job to get, or how to pay for all the adult things that I was now in charge of. I was barely used to choosing my own lunch every day, let alone preparing for life. I wasn't ready to leave my tiny podunk little hole-in-the-wall town. I wasn't ready to start figuring out life yet. I felt like I had just barely started living. So I needed help.

This is just another instance when my mom was there for me, even when I was being a total cunt to her. And I don't use that word. She helped me decided on a college and a major and an apartment. And when I say helped me decided, I mean she decided for me.  I started out in a cheap community college right out of high school. I knew enough, logically, to not waste my time and money in a place that cost an arm and a leg. But don't get me wrong, when I say cheap community college, I don't mean that it wasn't worth the education that I received. In fact, it had the best teachers I've ever had! But I started out in Graphic Design. My mom knew that I loved art and I loved to draw and made the two and two connections. So that was that.  I spent 2 years there full time, 1 year part time, before I made a realization that I was mediocre at graphic design. Like better than an average Jane on the street, but not good enough to really make a career out of it. Which lead me to take some time off. I looked at it like if I can't make a decent career out of it, what's the point in finishing?  

Now I understand that it looks better to be able to finish something than it does to say that I've tried a few different times. After taking a year off or so off of school, I decided to go back for Accounting. Huge 180, right?  My job at the time gave me the bookkeeping skills working behind a counter which led me to that decision.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed every minute of my time in my accounting classes. It was a math problem to me. Which I loved. Math and problem solving. Those were my things. But unfortunate events ensued that lead to me dropping out because I didn't have the time to dedicate to class. At that time in my life, I had to make the financially responsible decision and choose work over school. I was paying for school out of pocket at that time, working 3 jobs to put myself through school. Needless to say, I was busy. 

Eventually, I had a chance to go back again to try and finish my accounting degree, but by then, my ambitions had changed. My fascinations had altered enough to make accounting not fun for me anymore. Which in turn lead to me making another huge decision. I could quit and try to really figure out what I wanted out of my education, OR I could spend the time and money to finish and not really follow through with being happy. I chose to figure my life out.  

By now I'm 25. I have no degree. I had been going to school off and on for about 7 years. I had a failing relationship. And all at the same time, all of my closest friends were going through the best parts of their lives. One graduated from a university as valedictorian and received a job in her specified career. Another met the man of her dreams and was recently engaged. Another was about to bring a beautiful baby boy into the world. It just seemed like everyone that was important to me, that helped me gauge the level of life I should have been on, were all leaving me in their dust. Figuring out life like pros, while I was just a kid in an adult's body. Didn't have a clue. I knew enough to go to work, pay my bills, eat food and sleep on a regular basis.  Everything else? Not a fucking clue! 

The next two years flew by doing the same things every week. 

Go to work.

Go Home.

Go to work.

Go Home.

Go to work.

Go Home.

Every damn day. That was my life. I didn't branch out. I didn't do anything fun because I didn't have the time to do it. I had a few other relationships within that time, trying to learn how to be in an adult relationship is a lot harder than just acting the part. 

FAST FORWARD TO TODAY.....

Today, I am 27 years old. I own my own home. I have a few thousand in credit card debt, but my car is paid off. I'm trying to find a better job to help pay for my mortgage. I'm accepted to Iowa State University to be enrolled in the spring of 2018. I'm more adult now than I have ever been.  I have an adorable little kitty that is now currently 6 years old. [I got her when she was 6 weeks old] I have a few friends, but none of them live anywhere near me. And I have the most amazing boyfriend that I could every ask for. And When I say that, I don't mean like the relationships I've had in the past. This is the healthiest relationship that I have ever been in. We talk about everything, even the uncomfortable things that nobody wants to talk about. We haven't breached into sharing our toilet time yet, BUT I think I'm wearing him down. *wink wink!*  

I won't go into a lot of detail but lets just say it took a long time to be upgraded to girlfriend in this relationship. If you know why, know that you're blessed to be special to us. The patience and sincerity that has been put into this has really truly made me realize how important it is to know who you're with. Inside and out. 

To make a long story a little bit shorter. My story is that through everything that I have been though, I'm a better person for all of it. I know that I've been through a lot in my 27 years. More than I feel most people would every need to go through. But throughout it all, I'm grateful. I am who I am because of the things that have shaped me.  My upbringing, my experiences, my thoughts and feelings, my need for self expression. All of it.

My perception of life is forever changed. As I hope that stories like this help you with yours.


Now....
What is your story?