How To Cope With Being Sad

So here's the deal. There is this thing out there called bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is a mental illness marked by extreme mood swings from high (mania) to low (depression) and low to high. The mood swings may even become mixed, so you might feel elated and depressed at the same time.

Bipolar is not a rare diagnosis. More than 5 million people in the United States are living with some form of bipolar disorder. Unless you have severe mania, bipolar can be difficult to diagnose. Approximately 1 in 5 people diagnosed with bipolar also have borderline personality disorder. Symptoms tend to appear in a person’s late teens or early adult years, but they can occur in children as well. Women are more likely to receive bipolar diagnoses than men, though the reason for this remains unclear.

Why is this information important?  Well, I'm glad you asked!

This is just one of many of the things out there that explains why some people may be overly emotional. Today what I want to briefly touch upon is how to cope with being being a little overly emotional. 

DISCLAIMER: THIS WILL NOT WORK IN EVERY SITUATION OR EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE.

But what do I mean exactly? I mean, everyone has their own ways to deal with whatever may roll their way. Some like to hold it all in and bottle it up, while others like to let it all hang out.  This is merely another option if you know that you need to handle your emotions in a different fashion than you have been currently accustomed. 

Emotions: How Do We Deal With Them?

Here are a few common patterns I’ve observed that people use to “deal with” difficult emotions. I’ve personally noticed that these techniques apply to many of my patients, although there are of course other strategies.

• Avoidance: Growing up, I really believed everything was always happy. I wasn’t in touch with my feelings enough to even know I had sadness and pain buried inside. When we don’t deal with the source of our pain, it comes out in other, sometimes unhealthy ways. (For me, that was the habit of binging on chocolate.)
• Guarding: When a friend says something upsetting but we keep our disappointment to ourselves, we’re guarding our feelings. Sometimes we fear the friend’s response to our anger; sometimes we’re afraid of seeming vulnerable. But hiding true feelings can keep us from having authentic interactions with the people we feel closest to.
• Judgment: When we aren’t feeling secure and comfortable with ourselves, we’re more likely to pass judgment over everyone else. If we feel “fat,” we may be more inclined to focus on someone else’s faults instead of acknowledging that we’re dissatisfied with ourselves in that moment.
• Anger: Expressing anger can make us feel powerful when we’re feeling weak. If a friend makes a joke at our expense, instead of just saying the joke was hurtful, we might act aggressive to try to regain power in the relationship.
• Depression: Being consistently unable to deal with sadness or pain can lead to depression. It’s okay to be sad, but it’s a problem if we hate ourselves for feeling that way.
• Anxiety: Avoiding difficult emotions can result from anxiety. We often try to control things in our environment to relieve our anxiety, rather than dealing with the feelings directly.

Believe me, I've fallen victim to many of these different responses. But Is this really that healthy for our well being? No. The answer to that question is no. I know that doesn't mean that we'll turn it all around here and now and suddenly start dealing with things in a better, more self helping way, but it is good to get educated on some of the other ideas of handling some emotions.

Depression gets a lot of press and attention these days. But sadness is a different thing. Sadness is the feeling that comes from an unhappy event. Now, if you don’t deal with it, sadness can become chronic and lead to depression. This is why you might want to learn to deal with it when it comes. And it will come.

Just the other day, for example, I was very, very sad. Something happened in my life, which none of you need to know about or worry about because I am fine. Everything is fine, but something did occur which made me utterly and incredibly sad. And as I came out of it a little bit, I thought of this blog.

I made this list as much for me as for you...

1. Cry. Cry like you mean it. Oh, did I ever cry. I cried loud enough that I’m sure a neighbor or two wondered what was happening. As I cried, I thought about how I am like all three of my daughters bundled up into one. I flung myself on my bed and cried (just like my littlest). I checked my phone and cried (just like my teenager). I swore I had nothing to wear and would never leave the house again and cried (just like my oldest). And then my personal favorite: I cried in the shower. It’s not that crying feels good—in fact, it usually gives me a headache—it’s that it’s NECESSARY.

2. Write bad poetry. Or good poetry, if you can. The main thing is to write it out. Dealing with sadness is a little bit like detoxing—if you hold it in, it will fester and turn into something worse like sickness or depression. Get it out. Put words to it. Or pictures. Or music...

3. Listen to music. Sad music. Let yourself feel it. Look into the darkness and see that it’s not as scary as you thought. It’s just...sad. And sadness is a universal inspiration for great music.

4. Get dressed. I’m serious. In my darkest moment, I panicked and thought I had absolutely nothing to wear (I was traveling, so I had limited choices). But the act of actually putting work clothes on was a little like getting suited up for a battle I knew I had to face.

5. Go outside. Yes, despite your utter, brutal sadness, the world is going on as if nothing happened. As if all is well. And yes, soon you will be one of those people walking around like everything is fine. Because everything will be fine.

6. Work. It’s hard to cry when you are having a meeting about something completely not related to your current sadness.

7. Don’t be surprised if no one notices that you seem sad. Yes, your whole world has just fallen apart, but don’t expect anyone to say anything about it. Which is probably better anyway, since if they do you might just burst into tears, and that could be awkward.

8. Walk, run, or ride. The rhythmic physical exertion is good for you—natural endorphins will help you feel a bit better. Plus, sweat is a great camouflage for tears. You can cry all you want and people will just think you’re really working hard and in physical pain from your sport.

9. Clean something. One way sadness can lead to depression is if you let things go and suddenly the heaviness of everything drags you into a deep hole. Cleaning can make you feel like your world is a bit shinier and brighter. It’s like a little step stool to help you get out of the hole.

10. Get out in nature. The fresh air, the earth, the animals and birds will be a reminder that everything goes through cycles—even your life and your mood. Healing is a fundamental part of everything, and yes...it will get better.

11. Meditate. Ask the universe to guide you in your sadness—what do you need to learn from the experience? How can you grow from it? How can you expand your perception of what is possible?

12. Talk to someone. Friend, therapist, family member. Talk to someone you can trust who is just going to listen and comfort, not try to judge or fix you.

13. Take it one day at a time. If your sadness is due to a singular event, each day will get slightly better (as long as you follow my 21-step plan). If your sadness is due to a LACK of an event, determine to take action. And each day take one more action toward your own happiness.

14. Dream Baby Dream. Just when I was starting to feel better on my way to work the first day of my sadness, “Dream Baby Dream” by Bruce Springsteen came on and I cried even harder, even though Bruce himself was telling me to “Come on darling and dry your eyes” because “I just wanna see you smile.” But the message of this song is a perfect encouragement to start the process of healing and moving on and imagining a future when all this sadness you’re feeling at this moment will just be a distant memory.

15. Remember, it will get better. It will. It will. I promise it will! If we believe it, it will. Right?

16. Don’t forget to eat, but not too much. Interestingly, I realized that sadness makes me not want to eat. But not eating makes me cranky. And so I eat.

17. Comfort yourself physically. Take a hot bath. Get a massage. Take a nap. Wear a favorite sweater.

18. Start to laugh again. Watch a funny movie. Or stupid pet videos on Facebook and YouTube.

19. Give yourself time and permission. Heal on your own schedule, no one else’s. There is no right or wrong. I remember after my father died, people wondered why I was still sad a month later. They had no idea. No idea. It took a few years.

20. Be grateful for the experience. One day you’ll look back on it and understand it all in the arc of your life experience. And isn’t it better to feel something than to feel nothing at all? Understanding sadness makes the happiness all that much sweeter.

21. Focus on the good and move on. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and get on with things. Before you know it, you’ll be happy again. After all, you have so many things in your life to be happy about. Appreciate those things, and suddenly your sadness will feel smaller and your happiness will grow larger.

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This is just a quick list but don't let that limit you.  It's important that no matter what sort of emotion you're having that you are to Acknowledge your feelings. Sadness is normal and can even be healthy. Research has shown that experiencing mixed feelings and negative feelings is crucial to mental well-being. Many studies have shown that people who apologize for or repress their feelings actually intensify those negative feelings. Try to acknowledge your emotions without judging yourself for them. It’s easy to think, “This isn’t a big deal, why am I so sad about it?” Instead, accept your emotions for what they are. This will help you manage them.

Distract yourself. Studies have shown that rumination, or the process of going over and over your feelings of sadness, hinders recovery. Distracting yourself from ruminating on your sadness may help you overcome it. Find pleasant things to do. Doing things that you enjoy can help you overcome sadness, even if you don’t initially feel like doing them. Go for a walk. Take an art class. Find a new hobby. Learn how to play classical guitar. Whatever it is that you get enjoyment out of, make yourself do it. Interact with friends. Interacting with loved ones can boost your body’s production of oxytocin. Go to a movie, grab a coffee, go on a blind date. Studies have shown that retreating from others can worsen depressive symptoms, including sadness.

Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is based on acknowledging your experiences and accepting them without judging them or yourself. Research has shown that practicing mindfulness can actually change how your brain responds to sadness. It can also help you recover from sadness faster.
Because mindfulness focuses on remaining in the present moment, it can help you avoid rumination.

Stop the Negative Self Talk. Depressed people tend to see the world in a negative way. When things go wrong they blame themselves and when they go right, they put it down to luck. Depression reinforces self doubt and feelings of worthlessness. Monitor your inner negative talk and make allowances for this type of thinking by reminding yourself that your thinking is that of a depressed person, not a healthy functioning person. Don’t take your thoughts seriously when you are feeling low. Acknowledge the thoughts but this doesn’t mean you have to believe them. Keep perspective.

What we need to do most is Honor Your Feelings

To start getting in touch with your emotions, here are a few simple strategies:

• Pause: Not everyone needs a full therapy session to deal with his/her feelings. When difficult emotions arise, get in the habit of taking a moment to pause and consider how you’re feeling. Notice physical sensations too: Is your throat tight? Is your heart beating fast? Is your stomach in knots? Just recognizing these sensations is an important step.
• Breathe: Focus on the natural ebb and flow of your breath. It can help us feel calm and keep us from getting caught up in our feelings
• Reflect: Don’t resist the way you’re feeling. Instead, think about why you might be scared, anxious, or frustrated. These are natural emotions, but learning what triggers these feelings can help you can handle them more effectively the next time they arise.

Difficult emotions are part of the human experience. Be secure in your vulnerability. Real strength is not pretending not to feel; it’s the courage to know our feelings are OK. I'm not saying that this process is easy. Because it's not. But everything that we know now, we have learned from taking baby steps.  If there is a better way for you out there on how to cope or how to handle, it may not come natural immediately, but with best practices and a little help, you could become a master at any one of these.  Do what is right for you. Feel what you feel. Be the you that you need to be, with or without emotions.  

Good Luck.

Suicide: One Size Fits All, But It Shouldn't Have To Fit Anyone.

 Many people have taken the time to binge watch the new series "13 Reasons Why" on Netflix, based on the best selling book written by Jay Asher. What they have all started talking about are some of the real issues in the world, one of which being SUICIDE. The show takes you through all the traumatic things that led up to main character, Hannah Baker's, devastating turmoil. This article is not about this particular show, but more what the show is bringing awareness to.

In today's society, kids and teens are exposed to so much violence and information than ever before. What's worse, is the bullying, cyber-bullying, abuse, mental illnesses, and so many other things, seem to be getting so bad that people don't see any other options. This just isn't true. There are so many things that you, or someone close to you can do to help. We'll get to that. But first, let's discuss some of most famous celebrities that felt that there was no other way out, starting with the most recent.

 

Chester Bennington - Age 41   Death July 20, 2017    Bennington was found hanging from a door separating his bedroom from his closet, which was similar to how his close friend Chris Cornell took his own life in May. Cornell was discovered hanging from a door dividing the bedroom from the bathroom in a hotel room.

 

Robin Williams Age 63   Death August 11, 2014   Beloved actor and Oscar winner Robin Williams ended his life in August 2014 by hanging himself with a belt at his home in Paradise Cay, California. It was revealed after William’s death by asphyxiation that the actor had been struggling with Lewy body dementia – which may have been misdiagnosed as Parkinson’s disease – a long history of depression, and a “recent increase in paranoia.” Doctors believe that Williams’ Lewy body dementia “was the critical factor” that resulted in his suicide. The iconic actor’s ashes were scattered in San Francisco Bay.

 

Ernest Hemingway – Age 61   Death July 2, 1961   This great American novelist, short story writer, and journalist took his life by shooting himself in the head with his favorite shotgun. But his wife, Mary, initially claimed he shot himself accidentally while cleaning the dangerous weapon. In an interview five years later, she admitted he had committed suicide. Hemingway had suffered from depression and alcoholism throughout his life and had been hospitalized three months earlier due to a previous attempt to take his own life. Medical records also confirmed that he had been diagnosed with hemochromatosis, a genetic disease that culminates in mental and physical deterioration.

Marilyn Monroe – Age 36  Death August 5, 1962   This iconic bombshell died from a probable suicide by taking an overdose of barbiturates, with those close to her saying she was prone to “severe fears and frequent depressions,” as well as “abrupt and unpredictable mood changes.” Despite the verdict from the coroner, there are many conspiracy theorists who suggest that the powerful sex symbol was actually murdered or overdosed accidentally. Even President John F. Kennedy didn’t believe she committed the unfortunate act on her own terms! She certainly was gone much too soon.

Sylvia Plath – Age 30   Death February 11, 1963    Renowned poet, novelist, and short story writer Sylvia Plath took her own life by placing her head in a gas oven at her home in February 1963. Plath had sealed off the kitchen in her London apartment so that the carbon monoxide would not reach her two young children who were upstairs in bed at the time. Sylvia had tried multiple times to kill herself before her ultimate attempt and had described the quality of her despair as “owl’s talons clenching my heart.” She also claimed to have had constant agitation and an inability to cope with daily life.

 

Virginia Woolf – Age 59  Death March 28, 1941    English writer Virginia Woolf drowned herself in March 1941 by walking into the river by her home with large stones in her overcoat pockets to weigh her body down. Her body wasn’t found until around three weeks later. In her suicide note she wrote, “I feel certain that I’m going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do.” Woolf struggled with severe bouts of mental illness throughout her life, thought now to be bipolar disorder.

 

Vincent Van Gogh – Age 37   Death July 29, 1890    Dutch Post-Impressionist painter Vincent van Gogh ended his life in July 1890 with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the chest. The famous painter actually walked himself back to the Auberge Ravoux where he spent his last 70 days, though doctors in attendance couldn’t remove the bullet without a surgeon. Left alone in his room to smoke his pipe with his brother soon at his side, Van Gogh passed away not long after his body began to fail him. The painter had been struggling for years with severe depression and was later diagnosed with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, temporal lobe epilepsy, and acute intermittent porphyria.

Behind The Scenes: Reasons Why

Though I've never lost a friend or family member to suicide,  I have known a number of people left behind by the suicide of people close to them. I've only been able to guess at the devastation these people have experienced. Pain mixed with guilt, anger, and regret makes for a bitter drink, the taste of which I've seen take many months or even years to wash out of some mouths.
The one question everyone has asked without exception, that they ache to have answered more than any other, is simply: why? Why did their friend, child, parent, spouse, or sibling take their own life? Even when a note explaining the reasons is found, lingering questions usually remain: yes, they felt enough despair to want to die, but why did they feel that? A person's suicide often takes the people it leaves behind by surprise (only accentuating survivor's guilt for failing to see it coming).
People who've survived suicide attempts have reported wanting not so much to die as to stop living, a strange dichotomy but a valid one nevertheless. If some in-between state existed, some other alternative to death, I suspect many suicidal people would take it. For the sake of all those reading this who might have been left behind by someone's suicide, I wanted to describe how I was trained to think about the reasons people kill themselves. They're not as intuitive as most think.
In general, people try to kill themselves for six reasons:

1. They're depressed. This is without question the most common reason people commit suicide. Severe depression is always accompanied by a pervasive sense of suffering as well as the belief that escape from it is hopeless. The pain of existence often becomes too much for severely depressed people to bear. The state of depression warps their thinking, allowing ideas like "Everyone would all be better off without me" to make rational sense. They shouldn't be blamed for falling prey to such distorted thoughts any more than a heart patient should be blamed for experiencing chest pain: it's simply the nature of their disease. Because depression, as we all know, is almost always treatable, we should all seek to recognize its presence in our close friends and loved ones. Often people suffer with it silently, planning suicide without anyone ever knowing. Despite making both parties uncomfortable, inquiring directly about suicidal thoughts in my experience almost always yields an honest response. If you suspect someone might be depressed, don't allow your tendency to deny the possibility of suicidal ideation prevent you from asking about it.
2. They're psychotic. Malevolent inner voices often command self-destruction for unintelligible reasons. Psychosis is much harder to mask than depression, and is arguably even more tragic. The worldwide incidence of schizophrenia is 1% and often strikes otherwise healthy, high-performing individuals, whose lives, though manageable with medication, never fulfill their original promise. Schizophrenics are just as likely to talk freely about the voices commanding them to kill themselves as not, and also, in my experience, give honest answers about thoughts of suicide when asked directly. Psychosis, too, is treatable, and usually must be treated for a schizophrenic to be able to function at all. Untreated or poorly treated psychosis almost always requires hospital admission to a locked ward until the voices lose their commanding power.
3. They're impulsive. Often related to drugs and alcohol, some people become maudlin and impulsively attempt to end their own lives. Once sobered and calmed, these people usually feel emphatically ashamed. The remorse is often genuine, but whether or not they'll ever attempt suicide again is unpredictable. They may try it again the very next time they become drunk or high, or never again in their lifetime. Hospital admission is therefore not usually indicated. Substance abuse and the underlying reasons for it are generally a greater concern in these people and should be addressed as aggressively as possible.
4. They're crying out for help, and don't know how else to get it. These people don't usually want to die but do want to alert those around them that something is seriously wrong. They often don't believe they will die, frequently choosing methods they don't think can kill them in order to strike out at someone who's hurt them, but they are sometimes tragically misinformed. The prototypical example of this is a young teenage girl suffering genuine angst because of a relationship, either with a friend, boyfriend, or parent, who swallows a bottle of Tylenol, not realizing that in high enough doses Tylenol causes irreversible liver damage. I've watched more than one teenager die a horrible death in an ICU days after such an ingestion when remorse has already cured them of their desire to die and their true goal of alerting those close to them of their distress has been achieved.
5. They have a philosophical desire to die. The decision to commit suicide for some is based on a reasoned decision, often motivated by the presence of a painful terminal illness from which little to no hope of reprieve exists. These people aren't depressed, psychotic, maudlin, or crying out for help. They're trying to take control of their destiny and alleviate their own suffering, which usually can only be done in death. They often look at their choice to commit suicide as a way to shorten a dying that will happen regardless. In my personal view, if such people are evaluated by a qualified professional who can reliably exclude the other possibilities for why suicide is desired, these people should be allowed to die at their own hands.
6. They've made a mistake. This is a recent, tragic phenomenon in which typically young people flirt with oxygen deprivation for the high it brings and simply go too far. The only defense against this, it seems to me, is education. The wounds suicide leaves in the lives of those left behind by it are often deep and long lasting. The apparent senselessness of suicide often fuels the most significant pain. Thinking we all deal better with tragedy when we understand its underpinnings, I've offered the preceding paragraphs in hopes that anyone reading this who's been left behind by a suicide might be able to more easily find a way to move on, to relinquish their guilt and anger, and find closure. Despite the abrupt way you may have been left, guilt and anger don't have to be the only two emotions you're doomed to feel about the one who left you. 

Did You Know? : STATISTIC TRUTH

Suicide is the SECOND leading cause of death for ages 10-24.

Suicide is the SECOND leading cause of death for college-age youth and ages 12-18.

More teenagers and young adults die from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, AIDS, birth defects, stroke, pneumonia, influenza, and chronic lung disease, COMBINED.

Each day in our nation, there are an average of over 5,240 attempts by young people grades 7-12.

Four out of Five teens who attempt suicide have given clear warning signs.

Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death in the United States, accounting for more than 1% of all deaths.

More years of life are lost to suicide than to any other single cause except heart disease and cancer
30,000 Americans die by suicide each year; an additional 500,000 Americans attempt suicide annually.

The actual ratio of attempts to completed suicides is probably at least 10 to 1.

30% to 40% of persons who complete suicide have made a previous attempt.

The risk of completed suicide is more than 100 times greater than average in the first year after an attempt - 80 times greater for women, 200 times greater for men, 200 times greater for people over 45, and 300 times greater for white men over 65.

Suicide rates are highest in old age: 20% of the population and 40% of suicide victims are over 60.

After age 75, the rate is three times higher than average, and among white men over 80, it is six times higher than average.

Substance abuse is another great instigator of suicide; it may be involved in half of all cases. About 20% of suicides involve people with alcohol problems, and the lifetime rate of suicide among people with alcohol-use problems is at least three or four times the average. Completed suicides are more likely to be men over 45 who are depressed or alcoholic.

 Did You Know? : COMMON MYTHS

“People who talk about suicide won’t really do it.”

False: Almost everyone who attempts or completes suicide has given warning signs through their words or behaviors. Do not ignore any suicide threats. Statements like “You’ll be sorry when I’m dead” or “I wish I was dead” — no matter how casually or jokingly said — may indicate serious suicidal feelings.
“If a person is determined to kill him/herself, nothing is going to stop him/her.”

False: Even the most severely depressed person has mixed feelings about death, wavering until the very last moment between wanting to live and wanting to die. Most suicidal people do not want to die; they want the pain to stop. The impulse to end their life, however overpowering, does not last forever.
“Talking about suicide may give someone the idea.”

False: You do not give a person ideas about suicide by talking about it. The opposite is true. If a person is depressed or unhappy, discussing their feelings openly and allowing them to express how they feel is one of the most helpful things you can do. Even if they have had suicidal thoughts, giving them permission to express those thoughts can relieve some of the anxiety and provide an avenue to recognize other ways to escape their pain and sadness.
“People who attempt suicide and do not complete suicide are just trying to get attention and are not really serious.”

False: To a certain degree, they are trying to get attention and help for the pain that they are experiencing. A suicide attempt, even half-hearted, is an attempt to seek help. If the person perceives their action to be a suicide attempt, then that is what it is. Any attempt, regardless of severity, must be taken seriously and help must be sought for the individual.

Warning Signs of Someone Considering Suicide

Any one of these signs does not necessarily mean the person is considering suicide, but several of these symptoms may signal a need for help:

• Verbal suicide threats such as, “You’d be better off without me.” or “Maybe I won’t be around”
• Expressions of hopelessness and helplessness
• Previous suicide attempts
• Daring or risk-taking behavior
• Personality changes
• Depression
• Giving away prized possessions
• Lack of interest in future plans

Remember: Eight out of ten people considering suicide give some sign of their intentions. People who talk about suicide, threaten suicide, or call suicide crisis centers are 30 times more likely than average to kill themselves.

 

 

If You Think Someone Is Considering Suicide

• Trust your instincts that the person may be in trouble
• Talk with the person about your concerns. Communication needs to include LISTENING
• Ask direct questions without being judgmental. Determine if the person has a specific plan to carry out the suicide. The more detailed the plan, the greater the risk
• Get professional help, even if the person resists
• Do not leave the person alone
• Do not swear to secrecy
• Do not act shocked or judgmental
• Do not counsel the person yourself

Preventing Suicide

Although they may not call prevention centers, people considering suicide usually do seek help; for example, 64% of people who attempt suicide visit a doctor in the month before their attempt, and 38% in the week before

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The best thing you can do is pay attention.  Recognize the signs. Help when you can. You never know how much impact you can have on a person until you actually see the difference.

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