I'm Not Really A Control Freak, But Can I Show You How To Do That?

The term "control freak" is obviously not a clinical one, but it has meaning nonetheless because the term so clearly defines a problem: Men and women who have a high need for control can often be too extreme, giving rise to the notion that these individuals are abnormal or "freakish."

What kind of disorder might this type of person have? Control seekers are often obsessive-compulsive, angry (either overt or passive-aggressive), phobic, or even mood-disordered. These people need control because, without it, they fear things would spiral out of control and their lives would fall apart.

How can you spot a high-control person? You can spot these types in every walk of life, in settings from home to work to social outings. Do high-control people think of themselves as control freaks? Because these individuals need a high level of control, they also need to control their image, and so while they will usually acknowledge that they need a lot of control in situations, they will reject the "freak" part of the label—the association that there is something wrong with them or that they need too much control. In fact, many high-control men and women will often justify their need for control in the following ways: "I have to be this way to do as much as I do"; "People need people like me because so many people are actually incompetent"; "Things would fall apart without me."

Needing a high level of control in situations is often not psychologically healthy because so much in life is beyond our control. If you need total control even though you and everyone else knows that it is impossible to achieve, then you are going to have more anxiety because of the bar you have set for yourself.

There’s just one perfect line that completely defines a control freak. “If you want to do it right, do it yourself!” Do you live by that line? Are you convinced that the only way to achieve happiness or do a good job is by doing it yourself? This could say two things about you. One, you’re surrounded by incompetent idiots. Or two, you’re a control freak. Now the control freak exists within us all, and shows up now and then. But that doesn’t mean being called a control freak is something to feel flattered about! The controlling side in you could affect all aspects of your life, be it your love life, your workspace, friends and just about every other relationship. And almost always, it’ll hurt you more than any good it does to you.

Who is a Control Freak?

A control freak, without trying to sound more redundant than I already have been, is a person who wants to be in a position of control all the time. They want to be aware of everything that’s going on around them, and they want to have control over it in some way or the other. The control freak isn’t easy to recognize yourself, because it’s very well camouflaged by another personality trait, perfectionism.

Many people who assume they’re perfectionists may actually be control freaks, especially when they have an insuppressible urge to control others. Control freaks may believe they’re perfectionists who are really good at what they do, and they may even convince themselves that they’re controlling only because they’re the only one capable of bearing the burden. 

The Stressed Side of a Control Freak

The control freak in us can take over our lives for different reasons. At times, a bad childhood where you felt helpless all the time could force you to become a control freak to control your surroundings, and at other times, your overconfidence and know-it-all attitude too could lead to the same consequences.

The worst part about being a control freak is the annoying tendency to overlook that behavior within us. Control freaks never know they’re control freaks. Instead, they assume they’re generously helpful and concerned about others, and constantly try to help others achieve their full potential by correcting them and keeping an eye on them all the time.

The more helpful the control freak in you thinks you are, the more annoying you could get. Or at other times, the people around you could also take advantage of your overbearing behavior to shirk their own responsibilities and dump it on you!

The Craving to Have Things Your Way

The inner control mechanism is our mind’s way of keeping us safe. If you are completely aware of everything around you, then nothing can surprise you, scare you or screw you.

The controlling boyfriend who thinks he needs to take control of his girlfriend’s life, the mother who thinks she needs to micromanage her kids every second of every day because they may get into trouble, or the wife who thinks the husband can’t do anything right are all perfect examples of control freaks in real life.

A control freak is always bothered by how others do something, especially if others aren’t doing it the same way the control freak does. And they constantly try to change others around them so other people can follow their methods and ways of life.

Being a control freak is an easy way to stop yourself from evolving or changing, and trying to change the whole world around you just because it’s easy to manipulate others or make them change to match your wants and expectations.

Control Freak Self Diagnosis

It sucks to be a control freak, because it always leaves you frustrated and annoyed, and it annoys and stifles everyone around you too. But it’s easy to change once you see the signs and correct yourself.

1. Correcting people when they're wrong
People with a high need for control often feel the need to correct others when they're wrong. They correct someone due to an irrational argument; they correct spelling or pronunciation; they correct details of what happened in the past; they correct bad manners; or they correct people when they do something wrong or inappropriate. It's important to understand, though, that underneath the motivation to correct others is the belief that they are usually—or always—right.

2. Always trying to win the argument or have the last word
High-control men and women are difficult to have relationships with because they like to set the rules—and subsequently enforce them. They act superior to others, and are determined to show everyone that they are the most practical, logical, and intelligent one in any crowd.

3. Refusal to admit when they're wrong
Hands down, one of the traits that most annoys friends, romantic partners and colleagues is the refusal on the part of high-control men and women to admit when they are wrong. It could be the smallest, simplest issue, but high-control people don't care—they just want to make sure they don't admit they were wrong. Their thinking is distorted to the point that they believe others may use their admitting they were wrong against them, or will perceive them as incompetent or foolish because of one simple error. As a rule, these individuals present all-or-nothing, black-or-white thinking; dealing with anything in between is uncomfortable for them.

4. Judging or criticizing others
Some of the most judgmental individuals you will ever meet are men and women with a high need for control. They are highly principled, with opinions on everything from how people should hold their fork to...how people should live their entire lives. These men and women have an answer for everything, and they come across as sanctimonious or hypocritical to those who know them well.

5. Driving with rage
People with a high need for control often get very frustrated while driving. They believe they are the only ones who know how to drive correctly. They often put other drivers down, make nasty faces at some, or even curse or issue profanities when someone on the road does something that bothers them. Yet the most common problem with high-control men and women on the road is their own impatience. They get annoyed because drivers go too slow or too fast. They treat pedestrians as an interference getting in the way of their accomplishing their goals. Again, in the mind of these individuals, it's all about them and they don't spend time trying to imagine what anyone else thinks or feels in the same situation.

The takeaway
High-control men and women, the people we call "control freaks," engage in a series of behaviors that frustrate and cause resentment in others. These individuals operate the way they do because they believe that they need to in order to meet their needs and accomplish their goals. If you see yourself in some of these high-control behaviors, take a step back and ask yourself whether you are exhausted from always trying to control everything. If you see someone you love in these behaviors, it's time to have a chat about what bothers you, so that your resentments don't get worse, jeopardizing the future of the relationship. If you point out to a high-control man or woman that you have a problem with them, give them a few concrete examples of what they do that bothers you—and give them time to work on changing.

So what if you're not the control freak, but your loved one, best friend, significant other, relative, etc is? What now? Keep reading, let's find out!

Control Freak Management

We all know someone who is a “control freak.” He or she can’t seem to stop giving unsolicited advice or tell you what to do, and how to do it. At first, you might actually get along, but soon you realize that the attitude of “listen to me, I know better!” seems to permeate the majority of their interactions, and will ultimately end up pushing people away. Control freaks feel compelled to orchestrate and manipulate people and situations to make sure everything goes “their way,” and even if though their intentions might be benign, it can cause a lot of pain. 

It might be easy to confuse control freaks with narcissists, and while there can be some overlap here, not all control freaks are also narcissists. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is considered a form of mental illness that at least 6.3% of the population experiences which can be highly toxic and is often un-treatable by intervention or therapy. While being a ‘control freak’ is not usually considered a mental illness or psychiatric disorder, psychologists tend to diagnose very extreme cases of it as a form of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

If the controller in your life is a casual relationship or friendship, your best bet is to slowly back away. Controllers have no interest in developing healthy, mature relationships. They just want their way, however they can get it, and will wear you out in the process. Once you’re out of the picture, they’ll seek out their next victim and you’ll be long forgotten.

If you work with a controller or have a family member who is one, and the option of moving to a small tropical island is off the table, here are a few tips that may help keep you sane.

Set Boundaries

Yes, No and F*ck You. Be clear in your communication and your actions. Don’t succumb to pandering and manipulation, some of the controller’s favorites tricks. Be confident and clear with the controller and don’t back down. Any sign of weakness will encourage them to persist.

Don’t Respond to Escalating Behavior

Once the controller realizes they are losing their grip over you, they may employ pressuring behavior. They may stop talking to you, become moody, pout, stop having sex with you, won’t return your phone calls, ignore you in meetings and so on.

Your best bet is to not react or to withdraw in a quiet way. Try to not to escalate your emotions, this only plays into the drama for them.

Don’t Let Them Define You

Look to your friends, family or co-workers for support during this time. The controller does not define you and will do their best to diminish your self worth during this process. Letting go of any power they have over you will only enhance your life, and the empty space they leave can be filled with someone who matters.

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As adults the same need to control is now a form of self-protection. Lacking control is now perceived as increasing the risk of exposing inner weaknesses and increasing anxiety. In order to prevent these threats controls on people and surroundings are imposed. For example, objects must be organized in certain ways for maximum efficiency and effectiveness, and they must be put back in a particular place once used. They may be reluctant delegators on the basis that jobs will only be done correctly if they do it themselves. Control issues are as common, perhaps more so, in their personal lives as they monitor costs, maintain a fastidiously clean home, and freely dispense advice as to how others should live their lives. It is also fairly common to find that controllers have relationships or partnerships with people of low self-esteem or victim mentalities.

Control freaks tend to niggle and pester and it can be quite irritating. If you can, try to acknowledge the opinions and advice of the person but make it equally clear that this is something you are doing in your way. It’s a lot more difficult if the controller is your boss and you may have to make a decision about how much of this you can ultimately put up with.

Lastly, look to yourself. It’s a common thing for people who feel out of control to begin exerting control. You may find you are micromanaging things and people around you in ways that help to empower you but actually begin to disempower others.

Self Expression : Do You Express Yourself?

Children have a natural ability to live “out there,” fully self-expressed. They’re not yet tainted by the heaviness of life, having to do with worrying about what other people think, living up to societal pressures, and fear of retribution. So, consequently, you hear kids saying refreshing things like, 

All they understand is to tell the naked truth. What a free way to live! Of course, we’re not talking about the kind of truth that intentionally hurts people’s feelings. We’re talking about telling people how we feel in a kind way, and not leaving anything important to the well-being of our relationships unsaid. Speaking your truth by saying what’s really on your mind is one way to live more fully self-expressed.

So What is Self-Expression?

Self-expression is a display of individuality whether it’s through words, clothing, hairstyle, or art forms such as writing and drawing. Being self-expressed means that people will see your spirit and true character; they will see the totality of who you are. And sharing of one’s “self” fully is the ultimate in generosity and is vital for peace, happiness and fulfillment.

Sometimes we are not sure how to access creativity or inspiration, or we know what we want to say or do, but are unsure of how to express ourselves, or feel ill-equipped in our expression of something.

Here are ways to become more fully self-expressed:

Speak Your Truth in the Moment

Did you ever look back on a conversation you had and fantasize about talking to that person in a more authentic way than you did? Perhaps it was someone who mistreated you and instead of telling them how you felt about it, you walked away feeling dis-empowered and wishing you had stood up for yourself. For some of us, speaking our truth, in the moment, may be more difficult because of fear of confrontation and lack of confidence, but not speaking our truth can have damaging effects on self-esteem and even health.

Start noticing where you may be holding back and when an opportunity comes to speak truthfully (with love and kindness), take it on as a challenge and speak up. With practice, you’ll gain more courage and having difficult conversations will come easier. But if you're having a few setbacks because this doesn't seem so simple here are a few tips on how to start speaking your truths.

1. Tune in. - Make time to listen to your deepest needs. Journal. Speak voice notes to yourself. Reverence and honor of yourself and your process are important as you grow into deep understanding of your truth. Your body knows when you are giving it time. Make space.

2. Establish trust with yourself.  - You’re going to realize that you are walking a path. That while you may be in process, you will have different thoughts and feelings. It is a process of REVELATION. Memories, perhaps, you didn’t know you had, will come to the surface. Trust this process.

3. Know and care for all the parts of yourself.  - A coworker was telling me about her thoughts about her dream weekend and it was turning into a battle in her head.

One voice said, “Get it together!” while another wanted her to, “Slow down, please.”

You’re not alone there. We all have different parts of ourselves that have needs and wants for our life and livelihood. It’s normal. It’s like a Board of Directors of You, Inc. You must do the work to know who is sitting on your Board of Directors, because they are making decisions for you.

4. Get seen.  - Let me be clear, that this is not a recipe list. You don’t need to follow these steps in order. The fastest way to know your truth, to know that you are NOT crazy, is to be seen. Have others, in a safe space, see what is true for you, see your wrestle, and bear witness to your life. This is essential for human life and for love and for happiness, and it’s the foundation upon which SoulSpeak was created.

5. Find a partner in this journey that can support you (not a lover!)  - A therapist. A coach. A healer of some sort that can actually support you in big ways on this journey. Having a strong mirror and someone that can hold you AND push you as you grow which is essential for big growth and for CLEARLY claiming the life that you so desire.

6. Start now.  - Even if your voice shakes. Even if you have to say words and then you change them, because that, my sweet and fierce woman, is what truth telling is about. Sometimes it changes for you. Speaking your truth means that you are true to what is TRUE for you in this moment, in this moment, and now in this moment. It is okay, if you change your mind. You can say yes. You can say no. You can decide to change. It is okay. But you must practice to know what is true for you.

Widely Define Yourself

“People often say that this person or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something that one finds. It is something that one creates,” said Psychiatrist Thomas Szasz. When we think about ourselves, we tend to think in a certain way about our skills, strengths and talents. We narrowly define ourselves, meaning we live life from a certain way of thinking and being, which limits our experiences. We can re-create ourselves at anytime and choose to define ourselves in other ways. Explore new ways of thinking and being, and you may discover that you have talents and passions you never knew existed. (More on this below)

Engage in Creative Techniques

We can help birth ideas and create new possibilities for our life with creative techniques. Through these techniques, we expand our creative aptitude and can potentially achieve a longstanding desire from writing a screenplay to becoming a website designer to making wedding cakes, for example. Some creative techniques to try include: writing daily about anything that’s on your mind, keeping an idea book that you can carry with you, using mind maps for creative problem-solving, brainstorming, and creating vision boards.

Acquire Self Knowledge – Know Who You Are

Many of us rarely, if ever, take time out from our harried schedules to become an observer of our own life and who we are being. We get so bogged down in daily activities and obligations that days, months, and years fly by. Take time to step back from your life and see whether you are truly happy, fulfilled, using your talents, and pursuing your passions. You can even hire a life coach to help you with self-exploration to gain knowledge that can open up new possibilities for you.

Pursue Wants and Passions Voraciously

Do you feel like something of yourself is not getting through to the outside world? Are you putting your wants and passions on a backburner? This is easy to do with all of our daily responsibilities, but unfulfilled human potential is a tragedy. Once you have identified who you are and what your passions are, not to pursue them can cause serious regret. Begin now by wholeheartedly committing to your wants and passions. You’ll need to set time aside and not let anything get in the way. Dr. Wayne Dyer so eloquently says, “Don’t die with the music still in you. Listen to your intuitive inner voice and find what passion stirs your soul.”

Develop a Keen Sense of Reality

Living in reality can be tough, but if we want to become more fully self-expressed we must face and do something about the situations that are not working for us. For example, if we are in meaningless jobs, unsatisfying relationships, or not fulfilling our potential, it’s time to honor our truth. Look at your life and what areas you are not happy with and then work to make positive change. Have faith and trust that things will work out for the better even though, initially, you may be uncomfortable. We have a divine right to be happy and fulfilled and, if we are not, then we have the choice to change.

How do people define themselves?

Some people use their job description as a self-description.

"I am the head of sales operations for a software company."

Some even use their relationships or other affiliations.

"I am _____’s boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband."
"I am a member of _____."

Others use their belief system.

"I am an atheist."
"I am a minimalist."
"I am a libertarian."

Defining yourself is a highly personal process, and no method of defining yourself is “wrong.” You must decide what method of self-description works best for you. There are, however, some problems with the previously mentioned methods of self-description.

Defining yourself by your job title

"Hi. My name is John. I am a sales operations coordinator for a software company."

Too often, we fall into the trap of using our job description as our self-description. What you do is not who you are. They are 2 separate things. Certainly, who you are influences what you do and how you do it. However, who you are as an individual is determined by the values you embrace, not by what you do. Financial or occupational success is irrelevant without a sense of who you are and what is truly important.

While your job description may be an effective way to introduce yourself at professional networking conferences, it is a largely ineffective way to introduce yourself in everyday situations. Yes, people learn a little bit about you, but your job description is only one part of who you are. If you rely on it too heavily for your self-description, you will sound one-dimensional which is not one anyone wants, especially your new acquaintance.

Remember that you get one chance to make a great first impression. Whether you like it or not, that impression will form the basis of the relationship that you form with the other person. Make it count.

Defining yourself by your relationships

"Hi. My name is John. I am in a relationship with/friends with/a member of _____."

Relationships are an important part of life, but it important to make a distinction between your relationships and you. Remember, you are not your relationships. We have all seen examples of people who use their relationships, romantic or otherwise, to define themselves. Yes, it is okay to introduce yourself as someone’s significant other or speak highly of your family and friends; however, you must maintain your sense of self. If you allow a relationship to define you and that relationship ends for whatever reason, you lose your identity. Truthfully, if you allowed a relationship to define you, then you had no identity anyways.

Aristotle said, “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” Relationships work in a similar way. It is the mark of a strong character to maintain your sense of self.

Defining yourself by your belief system

"Hi. My name is John. I am an atheist, libertarian, and minimalist."

Belief systems, or philosophies, are a third way to define yourself. Every belief system contains a set of values. When you define yourself using a belief system, you express your personal values. People subscribe to belief systems that support their existing values. That is why, for example, there are so many denominations in Christianity. Someone did not like the way that someone else interpreted the Bible (which is interpreted differently by everyone), so they made their own club. 

When a person finds that a belief system no longer reflects their core values, they must make a decision: modify their core values or find a new belief system. Most people choose the latter.

The problem with defining yourself is no matter what method of self-definition you choose, they are all subject to misinterpretation. Everyone has biases, and those biases will reflect the way a person interprets your self-description.

For example, I describe myself as an atheist because I do not believe in the existence of God (or gods). I also describe myself as an atheist because many people, especially religious people, do not know the true definition of “agnostic.”

Calling myself an atheist, however, introduced a new set of problems. Now, instead of people mistakenly thinking that I am one of those “spiritual but not religious” people, people now assume that I worship the devil. (I do not believe in the devil either.) My point is that the way you define yourself will be interpreted differently by everyone. Be prepared to elaborate on your self-description and clarify points of confusion.

How should you define yourself?

Think of defining yourself like a 30-second pitch. In business, 30-second pitches are used to introduce either yourself–or your business–in an effective, efficient manner. You want to use that same idea to introduce yourself in the other areas of life.

With a 30-second pitch, you want to answer two questions:

• Who are you?
• Why should I care?

It sounds harsh, but no one cares about you, not at first anyways. You need to make them care about you, and you accomplish this with the way you define yourself.

Self Reflecting For The Editor

My name is Cassie Taylor. I'm dependable, opinionated, and guarded. I wear what is comfortable because I feel that being comfortable for me is way more appealing than being uncomfortable for someone else. I feel successful when I complete something that I say I will. I feel happy when I help others and I feel important when people come to me with questions. I rarely wear make-up because i don't feel the need to impress other people with things as materialistic and fascist as looks. I have strange hobbies, in comparison to the rest of the world, but they make me happy, and that doesn't bother me. I have many bright and colorful tattoos that I do not hide because I got them for me, not for anybody else. What people see about me is that I'm honest, I don't sugarcoat how I feel or what I think, and I'm not afraid to tell someone about it. I don't talk about myself, but I'll talk about just about anything else. I challenge people because I think differently and I'm not considered a typical "girly girl". But what they learn about me is that along with my lack of face paint and sincere honesty, comes a humor that comforts people with an easy, warm smile. 

I'm not going to try to tell you to feel this way or say this in your ideal self expression. The key to expressing yourself in your way is has to be YOUR way. No matter how the rest of the world perceives you. You be you.  Full self-expression means to take a leap of faith when necessary, live life to the fullest, make the choices that honor our wants and desires, and not settle for anything less than what we deserve.