Tough Conversations : Both Sides To The Argument

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With that awkward silence, let me introduce myself. Call me Switzerland. What we're going to talk about today are some tough topics. Some things that you usually wouldn't want to bring up in a social conversation for fear of starting an argument over differing opinions. Some of these things are also wrapped in caution tape because we, as humans who give a sh*t about what others think of us, fear that their opinion may sway in the negative space of their mind. But honestly, what does that really matter?

So be forewarned. You must have an open mind to continue to read this post. It is recommended that you leave your biased opinions at the dots, and if you can't, I encourage you to leave your opinions in the comments. Just try not to get in a battle of wits with any Internet propaganda. 

With that being said, let's continue.

Backtracking for a quick second. I want to be known as Switzerland for the entirety of the post. What I mean by that is I'm neutral. I have my opinions, which I will keep to myself. With each topic, I'll go through and express each side of the arguments. Basically the PROS vs. the CONS, of course you'll be the determining factor between which is the PRO and which is the CON. Believe me, you will probably go through some sort of emotion through this, whether it be sadness, empathy, anger, agreement, indifference, it will be something. Very few people could say that they possess no opinion on all of these topics. Here we go, diving in head first.

ABORTION

We'll hit the big one first. The one that you try to avoid talking about with new company or extended family. Its kind of a big red flag topic. So what the hell! Lets tackle it!

a·bor·tion

əˈbôrSH(ə)n/

noun

1. 1.

   the deliberate termination of a human pregnancy, most often performed during the first 28 weeks of pregnancy.

PRO-LIFE ARGUMENTS

1. Since life begins at conception, abortion is akin to murder as it is the act of taking human life. Abortion is in direct defiance of the commonly accepted idea of the sanctity of human life

2. No civilized society permits one human to intentionally harm or take the life of another human without punishment, and abortion is no different.

3. Adoption is a viable alternative to abortion and accomplishes the same result. And with 1.5 million American families wanting to adopt a child, there is no such thing as an unwanted child.

4. An abortion can result in medical complications later in life; the risk of ectopic pregnancies doubles, and the chance of a miscarriage and pelvic inflammatory disease also increases.

5. In the instance of rape and incest, proper medical care can ensure that a woman will not get pregnant. Abortion punishes the unborn child who committed no crime; instead, it is the perpetrator who should be punished.

6. Abortion should not be used as another form of contraception.

7. For women who demand complete control of their body, control should include preventing the risk of unwanted pregnancy through the responsible use of contraception or, if that is not possible, through abstinence.

8. Many Americans who pay taxes are opposed to abortion, therefore it's morally wrong to use tax dollars to fund abortion.

9. Those who choose abortions are often minors or young women with insufficient life experience to understand fully what they are doing. Many have lifelong regrets afterward.

10. Abortion frequently causes intense psychological pain and stress.

PRO-CHOICE ARGUMENTS

1. Nearly all abortions take place in the first trimester, when a fetus is attached by the placenta and umbilical cord to the mother. As such, its health is dependent on her health, and cannot be regarded as a separate entity as it cannot exist outside her womb.

2. The concept of personhood is different from the concept of human life. Human life occurs at conception, but fertilized eggs used for in vitro fertilization are also human lives and those not implanted are routinely thrown away. Is this murder, and if not, then how is abortion murder?

3. Adoption is not an alternative to abortion, because it remains the woman's choice whether or not to give her child up for adoption. Statistics show that very few women who give birth choose to give up their babies - less than 3% of white unmarried women and less than 2% of black unmarried women.

4. Abortion is a safe medical procedure. The vast majority of women - 88% - who have an abortion do so in their first trimester. Medical abortions have less than 0.5% risk of serious complications and do not affect a woman's health or future ability to become pregnant or give birth.

5. In the case of rape or incest, forcing a woman made pregnant by this violent act would cause further psychological harm to the victim. Often a woman is too afraid to speak up or is unaware she is pregnant, thus the morning after pill is ineffective in these situations.

6. Abortion is not used as a form of contraception. Pregnancy can occur even with responsible contraceptive use. Only 8% of women who have abortions do not use any form of birth control, and that is due more to individual carelessness than to the availability of abortion.

7. The ability of a woman to have control of her body is critical to civil rights. Take away her reproductive choice and you step onto a slippery slope. If the government can force a woman to continue a pregnancy, what about forcing a woman to use contraception or undergo sterilization?

8. Taxpayer dollars are used to enable poor women to access the same medical services as rich women, and abortion is one of these services. Funding abortion is no different from funding a war in the Mideast. For those who are opposed, the place to express outrage is in the voting booth.

9. Teenagers who become mothers have grim prospects for the future. They are much more likely to leave of school; receive inadequate prenatal care; rely on public assistance to raise a child; develop health problems; or end up divorced.

10. Like any other difficult situation, abortion creates stress. Yet the American Psychological Association found that stress was greatest prior to an abortion, and that there was no evidence of post-abortion syndrome.

DEATH PENALTY

death pen·al·ty

ˈdeTH ˌpenəltē/

noun

1. the punishment of execution, administered to someone legally convicted of a capital crime.

FOR CAPITAL PUNISHMENT

1. We reserve the death penalty in the United States for the most heinous murders and the most brutal and conscienceless murderers. This is not, as some critics argue, a kind of state-run lottery that randomly chooses an unlucky few for the ultimate penalty from among all those convicted of murder. Rather, the capital punishment system is a filter that selects the worst of the worst... Put another way, to sentence killers like those described above to less than death would fail to do justice because the penalty – presumably a long period in prison – would be grossly disproportionate to the heinousness of the crime. Prosecutors, jurors, and the loved ones of murder victims understand this essential point... Perhaps most importantly, in its supreme gravity it [the death penalty] promotes belief in and respect for the majesty of the moral order and for the system of human law that both derives from and supports that moral order.

2. We have the responsibility to punish those who deserve it, but only to the degree they deserve it. Retributivists do not justify the death penalty by the general deterrence or safety it brings us. And we reject over-punishing no less than under-punishing. How obscene that aggravated murderers who behave well inside prison watch movies and play softball. Regardless of future benefits, we justify punishment because it's deserved. Let the punishment fit the crime… Opponents [of the death penalty] wrongly equate retribution and revenge, because they both would inflict pain and suffering on those who have inflicted pain and suffering on us. Whereas revenge knows no bounds, retribution must be limited, proportional and appropriately directed: The retributive punishment fits the crime. We should only execute those who most deserve it. And not randomly. Refine our death penalty statutes and review the sentences of everyone on death row. Release into general population those who don't really deserve to die. The rest we should execute — worst first.

3. Those in support of abolishing the death penalty point to the possibility of an innocent person being executed... The innocent can take solace in knowing that a unanimous jury of 12 citizens must render the death verdict after an exhaustive trial where the accused murderer is represented by two highly competent attorneys and overseen by an independent judge who ensures a fair trial. Voters understand that the criminals on death row have been convicted of the most heinous crimes. Voters also realize that those left behind, grieving families throughout California and their loved ones, don’t deserve anything less than justice. Justice is a reformed, not eliminated death penalty.

AGAINST CAPITAL PUNISHMENT

1. Rather than try to patch up the death penalty's legal wounds one at a time, it is asked for full briefing on a more basic question: whether the death penalty violates the Constitution. The relevant legal standard is the standard set forth in the Eighth Amendment. The Constitution there forbids the 'infliction' of 'cruel and unusual punishments.' Amdt. 8. The Court has recognized that a 'claim that punishment is excessive is judged not by the standards that prevailed in 1685... or when the Bill of Rights was adopted, but rather by those that currently prevail... Indeed, the Constitution prohibits various gruesome punishments that were common... In 1976, the Court thought that the constitutional infirmities in the death penalty could be healed; the Court in effect delegated significant responsibility to the States to develop procedures that would protect against those constitutional problems. Almost 40 years of studies, surveys, and experience strongly indicate, however, that this effort has failed. Today’s administration of the death penalty involves three fundamental constitutional defects: (1) serious unreliability, (2) arbitrariness in application, (3) unconscionably long delays that undermine the death penalty’s penological purpose. Perhaps as a result, (4) most places within the United States have abandoned its use...

2. There is not the slightest credible statistical evidence that capital punishment reduces the rate of homicide. Whether one compares the similar movements of homicide in Canada and the US when only the latter restored the death penalty, or in American states that have abolished it versus those that retain it, or in Hong Kong and Singapore (the first abolishing the death penalty in the mid-1990s and the second greatly increasing its usage at the same), there is no detectable effect of capital punishment on crime. The best econometric studies reach the same conclusion… Last year roughly 14,000 murders were committed but only 35 executions took place. Since murderers typically expose themselves to far greater immediate risks, the likelihood is incredibly remote that some small chance of execution many years after committing a crime will influence the behaviour of a sociopathic deviant who would otherwise be willing to kill if his only penalty were life imprisonment. Any criminal who actually thought he would be caught would find the prospect of life without parole to be a monumental penalty. Any criminal who didn’t think he would be caught would be untroubled by any sanction.

3. No one can blame victims and their families for wanting revenge, including through the death penalty. In their pain and loss, they are entitled to that desire. However, laws exist to prevent individuals from pursuing vengeance and their own vision of justice. If they do anyway (if, for example, a victim kills a perpetrator) then they become perpetrators and pay the price, both legally and morally. Although we may feel empathy with such a victim seeking revenge, it should be remembered that when fighting monsters you must take care not to become one yourself. Killing by the state is wrong as well, potentially even worse than killing by an individual... In this view, the death penalty is morally, socially and politically wrong. Morally, killing is wrong. Killing on behalf of a state is wrong as well. Some may believe that the death penalty is a just and moral punishment for the most serious of crimes; victims and their families are morally entitled to long for revenge. However, the social, political and economic costs of such retribution are, in this opinion, too high... No national interest can justify human rights violations such as the death penalty or torture.

4. One of the most common misconceptions about the death penalty is the notion that the death penalty saves money because executed defendants no longer have to be cared for at the state's expense. If the costs of the death penalty were to be measured at the time of an execution, that might indeed be true. But as every prosecutor, defense attorney, and judge knows, the costs of a capital case begin long before the sentence is carried out. Experienced prosecutors and defense attorneys must be assigned and begin a long period of investigation and pre-trial hearings. Jury selection, the trial itself, and initial appeals will consume years of time and enormous amounts of money before an execution is on the horizon… All of the studies conclude that the death penalty system is far more expensive than an alternative system in which the maximum sentence is life in prison.

GUN CONTROL

gun con·trol

ɡən/ /kənˈtrōl/

: regulation of the selling, owning, and use of guns

PERCEIVED AS PROS : Those who are for greater gun control see three basic pros to new laws:

1. Gun massacres most often use legal weapons: According to Mother Jones, of the more than 70 mass shootings in the United States in the last 30 years, about three-quarters of the guns used were obtained legally by the killers. Pro-gun control advocates believe tougher gun laws could have potentially prevented these crimes.

2. Gun control laws protect children and families: Moms Demand Action, a grassroots group founded in response to the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School, believes guns in America are creating a public health crisis that is attacking children, citing statistics that show nearly eight American children are shot and killed every day. The group says stronger laws are the answer to protecting children.

3. Background checks will help keep guns out of the hands of people who should not have them: Americans for Responsible Solutions, supported by former U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and her astronaut husband Mark Kelly, advocates for background checks to prevent criminals, domestic abusers, and seriously mentally ill people from buying guns. The group says laws requiring background checks have prevented the purchase of guns by nearly 2 million people who should not have had them.

PERCEIVED AS CONS : Those who believe new laws for gun control are not the answer argue the following cons

1. “Self-defense is a fundamental right,” says the National Rifle Association's Institute for Legislative Action. The group points out that the right to bear arms for self-defense is protected in all states as well as the U.S. Constitution. Handgun restriction laws have been struck down by the U.S. Supreme Court.

2. Violent crime goes down when more people legally carry guns: Right-to-carry laws have been on the rise in the U.S. since the early 1990's. At the same time, violent crime rates have decreased. The number of privately owned guns has risen by about 100 million. According to the NRA, “Through 2010, the nation’s murder rate has decreased 52 percent to a 47-year low, and the total violent crime rate has decreased 48 percent to a 37-year low.”

3. Widely supported gun bans don’t deter crime: The Federal Assault Weapons ban, signed by President Bill Clinton in 1994, expired and has not had enough support to be renewed. The NRA argues that research shows “assault weapons,” or those certain semi-automatic guns designated in the ban, “have never been used in more than a small percentage of firearm-related violent crime.”

SAME SEX MARRIAGE

gay mar·riage

noun

1. marriage between partners of the same sex (as recognized in some jurisdictions).

PRO GAY MARRIAGE

1. Denying some people the option to marry is discriminatory and creates a second class of citizens.

2. Same-sex couples should have access to the same benefits enjoyed by heterosexual married couples.

3. The concept of "traditional marriage" has changed over time, and the definition of marriage as always being between one man and one woman is historically inaccurate.

4. Gay marriage is protected by the US Constitution's commitments to liberty and equality.

5. Marriage is an internationally recognized human right for all people.

6. Same-sex marriage is a civil right.

7. Marriage is not only for procreation, otherwise infertile couples or couples not wishing to have children would be prevented from marrying.

8. Gay marriages can bring financial gain to federal, state, and local governments and can help boost the economy.

9. Gay couples make good parents

10. Gay marriage bans cause humiliation and uncertainty for children being raised by same-sex couples.

11. Marriage provides both physical and psychological health benefits, and banning gay marriage increases rates of psychological disorders.

12. Legalizing gay marriage will not harm the institution of marriage, and same-sex marriages may even be more stable than heterosexual marriages.

13. Gay marriage legalization is correlated with lower divorce rates, while gay marriage bans are correlated with higher divorce rates.

14. Legal marriage is a secular institution that should not be limited by religious objections to same-sex marriage.

15. Many religious leaders and churches support gay marriage and say it is consistent with scripture.

PRO TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE

1. The institution of marriage has traditionally been defined as being between a man and a woman.

2. Marriage is for procreation and should not be extended to same-sex couples because they cannot produce children together.

3. Children need both a mother and a father.

4. Legalizing gay marriage could lead down a "slippery slope," giving people in polygamous, incestuous, bestial, and other nontraditional relationships the right to marry.

5. Allowing gay couples to wed could further weaken the institution of marriage.

6. Homosexuality is immoral and unnatural.

7. Gay marriage is contrary to the word of God and is incompatible with the beliefs, sacred texts, and traditions of many religious groups.

8. Legalizing gay marriage often leads to an end to domestic partnership benefits for gay and straight couples, which disadvantages couples who choose not to get married.

9. Gay marriage will accelerate the assimilation of gays into mainstream heterosexual culture to the detriment of the homosexual community.

10. Marriage is an outmoded, oppressive institution that should be weakened, not expanded.

11. People should not have their tax dollars used to support something they believe is wrong.

12. Marriage is a privilege, not a right.

13. Legalizing gay marriage advances the "homosexual agenda" and unfairly paints opponents as bigots.

14. Civil unions and domestic partnerships can provide the protections and benefits gay couples need without changing the definition of marriage.

CANNABIS LEGALIZATION

can·na·bis  le·gal·i·za·tion
/ˈkanəbəs/ ˌlēɡələˈzāSHən,ˌlēɡəˌlīˈzāSHən/

noun

1. the action of making marijuana that was previously illegal permissible by law.

FOR LEGALIZING

1. Toking For Freedom - The government just has no right restricting the relatively harmless pleasures of consenting adults. Even if marijuana is harmful – and that is by no means clear – it is the right of every individual to decide whether to take it. Smoking weed is a “victimless crime” where only the user is taking any risk. It is immoral to tell people how they can, or cannot enjoy themselves.

2. Better Than Booze - Weed is less harmful than legal drugs like alcohol or tobacco, so keeping it banned is pure hypocrisy. In fact, cannabis has proven health benefits, from treating glaucoma to preventing epilepsy or easing the symptoms of multiple sclerosis. There are no health grounds to keep it illegal, it’s purely a cultural hangover from the days when pot was considered a dangerous, exotic import. Tobacco is more addictive than cocaine, but there is no sign that marijuana causes physiological addiction. If you ban pot, you may as well ban burger eating, bungee jumping or any other moderately risky pastime.

3. Focus On The Real Bad Stuff - Legalizing cannabis would take the trade out of the hands of criminal gangs. That would reduce their nefarious influence in both cannabis importing countries and the places where it’s produced. Legalized, pot could be properly regulated to ensure quality and safety – just like any other product. When it’s sold illegally on the street, nobody controls what dangerous substances could be mixed in with it. Freed from chasing hapless dope-smokers, law enforcement agencies could focus on dealing with hard drug pushers who do real harm.

4. Give The Tax Man A High - Estimates in the United States suggest legalizing marijuana would make the country about $18 billion better of every year. The gains would come from tax revenues on pot sales and savings to the justice system – including the cost of keeping smokers in jail. Since prohibition is never going to stop people smoking dope, the state may as well make money out of it. Colorado raked in more than $5 million in the first week after legalizing retail sales. It could also be a major boom to the economies of producing countries. One Jamaican company recently struck a $100 million deal to supply Colorado with medicinal ganja.

AGAINST LEGALIZING

1. It's bad for you in all sorts of ways. Although cannabis may have some medical uses in strictly controlled circumstances, smoking it or munching on space cakes is simply not good for you. Opium poppy derivatives have medical uses – but that doesn’t make heroin healthy. Dope is called that for a reason – it makes you stupid. As well as being bad for your brain, it’s bad for your lungs, bad for your heart and a terrible risk if you plan to do anything like drive or operate machinery. Pot smokers also run higher risks of developing mental health problems like schizophrenia and depression.

2. More people will use it. Cannabis is highly addictive. Studies show up to one-in10 users develop dependence over time. Stopping marijuana use can lead to withdrawal symptoms like anxiety and irritability. Over half the 7.3 million people classified with illicit drug dependence or abuse in the United States are hooked on weed. Making it legal will mean more people will use it – including youngsters – and more people will become addicted.

3. Pushers will keep pushing. Legalizing cannabis won’t stop the drug gangs, they’ll just see profits boosted as it leads to more users and more addicts. Just look at Amsterdam where the liberal pot culture has spawned social problems from muggings to prostitution and hard drug use. The authorities there have been tightening restrictions. Research shows that heavy pot-smokers are several times more likely than non-users to commit violent crime.

4. Weed leads to worse. The use of soft drugs, such as marijuana, leads to the use of hard drugs. Addiction experts regard weed as a gateway drug that potentially introduces users to more serious substance abuse. Research in New Zealand found regular cannabis users were 60 times more likely to try other illicit drugs than young people who had never smoked cannabis. Cannabis itself is getting stronger. The stuff puffed by hippies in the 1960's had around 1% of tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), the chemical responsible for most of marijuana’s psychological effects. Today’s THC levels can run to over 30%.

RELIGION : GOD EXISTS

re·li·gion

rəˈlijən/

noun

1. the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods.

Unfortunately, for this argument, it really only comes down to 2 different things. its a matter of beliefs.  We could go into details, but lets be honest, that would be you wasting your mind reading nonsense that you don't need to for the bulk of one simple answer.

Reasons to Think God Does Exist

1. FAITH

Reasons to Think God Does Not Exist

1. SCIENCE

RACISM

rac·ism

ˈrāˌsizəm/

noun

1. prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one's own race is superior.
2. 
   

FOR RACISM

1. Racism can definitely be a good thing. Its just another way to unite people and believe that they belong. Throughout history, and even today, people have been restored of their confidence by knowing that they belong with a race of citizens. For example, Mahatma Gandhi lead a mass movement by influencing his people to believe that they are who they are because of race.

2. It can be when freeing yourself. Like anything racism is good in self-defense such as defending your group when insulted. Defending your race by using racism as a tool is good. Racism is good as a means but not an end. Does the end justify the means and the answer is only when you are out of other options. So racism is good when out of options to retain integrity.

3. Of course, if you love yourself. It is. It is only matter of time now, non whites out number whites 60% to 40%. There is more of them then us and eventually there will be no more white people left on the planet,and until that happens I would like my grandchildren to have some resemblance to me. We will be smudged out because we aren't "racist"enough.

4. Racism can be great. As a staunch Nationalist I believe that all races are different. I don't support racism per say, but I do support racialism. While racism is prejudice, racialism is the understanding of biology, and of how all races are different. If racism allows us to complete our goal of total ethnic segregation, then it is a good thing.

AGAINST RACISM

1. We are all humans Racism is putting a label on one group. Not all Asians are smart. Not all Black people are on welfare. Lastly NOT ALL WHITE PEOPLE ARE RACIST. I'm not even white and I can say that because its true. Racism is judging someone on the color of their skin. What if we all put a label on the whole human race? Then people will start caring a little more.

2. Just Think about it. Sure it may bring humor to some, yet it hurts too many people in the process. Sure cultures may be different but that shouldn't stop people from feeling safe around each other. When Thomas Jefferson was president his reason for not being involved in the french revolution was to keep peace, not to take sides. Secondly there are many great people from every culture/race/country, from India you have Muhammad Gandhi, from Germany you have Albert Einstein, from A Mexican Heritage you have Cesar Chavez etc.

And Lastly,....

POLITICS

As much as I would love to go into both sides of political views with you, there is waaaaaaay too much content for that to cover. I am unable to find a common denominator to specifically discuss. You could compare presidents, laws, congress, promises made by political authorities, and many more. If you'd like to talk politics just wait a few more years for the next presidential campaign, assuming Trump lasts the entirety of his term.

That is all for now. How do you feel about any of these things? Do you think I missed something? Do you disagree with what I said, or how I said it? Let me know in the comments below!

The Narcissist Within : It's Not Me, It's You

One thing we have learned about narcissism is it is about living in the lie rather than in truth. The more our souls cry out for truth, the more we see through the illusion and realize where we are living in the lie.

Life has taught me that I attracted abuse into my life to show me the impurities within myself. I wasn’t sure I understood what “impurities” at the time, but it became clearer later on that the impurities are the part of ourselves that don’t serve the highest good of humanity. It is the arrogance, jealousy, greed, self loathing, feelings of inadequacy, superiority, judgment, and other qualities that we tend to despise in others but that are also hidden within ourselves. The people outside of us who trigger us or push our buttons are usually showing us something about ourselves we don’t want to look at.

If you look at a narcissist he is completely cut off from his subconscious to a point he is unaware that the qualities he is judging in you are actually within himself. He is projecting these qualities onto you and condemning you for these qualities. We find this kind of narcissism in religion, government and society at large where the shadow side of humanity is projected onto certain groups or people.

The question many have who have been involved in a personal relationship with a narcissist is “how did I attract this into my life?” The answer to that question is, there is something within you that is attracted to this because there is something that you need to learn. Often the narcissist will show us our own hidden narcissism which has been difficult for us to recognize in ourselves. It is something we don’t want to see, because it is not attractive. We are quick to own that which is attractive and beautiful, but we disown or cut off from that which we perceive as being unattractive and ugly.

A pathological narcissist is someone who has cut off from his unattractive qualities to an extreme. He is unable and unwilling to own them but quick to project them onto those who love him.

We often ask the question “how do I know I’m not the narcissist?” Because you feel your own narcissism. You feel the qualities of worthlessness, inadequacy, jealousy and neediness. You see your own obsessive and compulsive qualities. You have been put in touch with your own shadow, that which has been hidden within your psyche, your subconscious. When we come in touch with these hidden qualities within ourselves it is easy for us to initially feel that this is who we are. But we are not that! Those are simply our impurities, our shadow, our dark side. When brought into the light they cease to exist. So the key is to own those qualities within yourself and bring them into the light. Then they will no longer be a part of your reality and you will no longer attract the narcissistic people who reflect these qualities to you. If you do attract them into your reality you won’t invite them in to closely or for too long.

Some people ask me if they should leave their relationship or stay in it. I say this is a very personal choice. It is your life and you must make that decision for yourself. Kim Cooper from narcissismcured.com talks about the experience of changing herself as a result of her relationship to someone who she says was a narcissist. However this is not the path for everyone. I had to leave my relationships in order to find myself and the process of coming to the truth wasn’t over night. It took time. I needed to step out of the illusion in order to even begin that process. As long as I was feeling lost, confused, and in the depths of despair I wasn’t moving any energy in my life. It took my leaving these relationships to start the energy moving in a positive direction. Eventually I came to the truth within. I had a part in my narcissistic relationships. I had responsibility. But it wasn’t all me. However the parts that were mine were really where I needed to be focusing my attention in order to heal and move forward in my life.

When we obsess and focus on the narcissist in our lives we are avoiding looking at ourselves and our own role in creating the dysfunctional relationship. We tell ourselves that we didn’t sign up for it. We didn’t ask to be with someone who would mislead us and betray us. But the truth is we did! On some level, we may not fully understand we drew this relationship to us so that we could learn and grow. As long as we avoid looking for the lessons in this experience we will remain stagnant and in pain believing we are victims. When we can get to the truth of the matter we can shed our victim status and see the divinity in our situation. The truth is often very painful and difficult to face, but “The truth shall set you free!” If you are not feeling free in your life than it is time to dig deeper and find the truth in your situation. What are you hiding from within yourself? What is it that is keeping you stuck?

How Narcissists See Themselves

We often hear the term “narcissist,” but in reality, what does that mean? Does it merely describe someone who likes to be the center of attention or likes the way he or she looks, or is there more to it? The psychiatric literature defines narcissists as having specific traits such as having a sense of entitlement or requiring excessive admiration, to name a few. But what are narcissistic individuals really like on a day-to-day level?

Anyone who has lived with or worked for a narcissist will tell you: Narcissists view themselves entirely differently—i.e., preferentially—compared to others, making those around them less valued. And there’s the rub: everything must be about the narcissist. We don’t mind that a two-year-old needs constant attention. That’s appropriate for the developmental stage of a two-year-old. But we do mind when a forty-year–old needs that level of appreciation—and achieving it comes at our expense.

Narcissists victimize those around them just by being who they are, and they won’t change. That statement may seem extreme until you listen to the stories of those who have been victimized by a narcissist. Then you realize just how toxic these individuals are.

Work for a narcissistic boss and I can guarantee that he or she will make you physically or psychologically ill. Live with one and I fear for you. I can say that because in my researching, I read many stories of individuals who have been victimized by the narcissistic personality.

Below are the ways types of things that a narcissist would think, say, act, etc.

1. I love myself and I know you do, too; in fact, everyone does—I can’t imagine anyone that doesn’t.

2. I have no need to apologize. You, however, must understand, accept, and tolerate me no matter what I do or say.

3. I have few equals in this world, and so far, I have yet to meet one. I am the best (manager, businessman, lover, student, etc....).

4. Most people don’t measure up. Without me to lead, others would flounder.

5. I appreciate that there are rules and obligations, but those apply mostly to you because I don’t have the time or the inclination to abide by them. Besides, rules are for the average person, and I am far above average.

6. I hope you appreciate all that I am and everything that I have achieved for you—because I am wonderful and faultless.

7. I do wish we could be equals, but we are not and never will be. I will remind you with unapologetic frequency that I am the smartest person in the room and how well I did in school, in business, as a parent, etc., and you must be grateful.

8. I may seem arrogant and haughty, and that’s OK with me—I just don’t want to be seen as being like you.

9. I expect you to be loyal to me at all times, no matter what I do; however, don’t expect me to be loyal to you in any way.

10. I will criticize you and I expect you to accept it, but if you criticize me, especially in public, I will come at you with rage. One more thing: I will never forget or forgive, and I will pay you back one way or another—because I am a “wound collector.”

11. I expect you to be interested in what I have achieved and in what I have to say. I, on the other hand am not at all interested in you or in what you have achieved, so don’t expect much curiosity or interest from me about your life. I just don’t care.

12. I am not manipulative; I just like to have things done my way, no matter how much it inconveniences others or how it makes them feel. I actually don’t care how others feel—feelings are for the weak.

13. I expect gratitude at all times, for even the smallest things I do. As for you, I expect you to do as I demand.

14. I only associate with the best people, and frankly, most of your friends don’t measure up.

15. If you would just do what I say and obey, things would be better.

As you can see, it is not easy living with or working with someone that thinks and behaves this way. The experience of these victims also teaches us the following—and if you remember nothing else from this article, please remember this: narcissists over-value themselves and devalue others, and that means you. You will never be treated as an equal, you will never be respected, and you will in time be devalued out of necessity, so that they can over-value themselves.

But where do we get the insight to tolerate a narcissist? Let's read on.

Tolerating the Narcissistic Personality

Knowing the traits of the narcissistic personality and how narcissists view themselves is useful, but so is knowing what will happen to you if you continue to associate with them. I say this while being well aware that in many cases, children, the elderly, or the infirm that may not have a choice. In those cases, it is up to all of us as friends, relatives, teachers, coaches, associates and co-workers to assist as best we can.

Also, there are those who, for reasons of finances, circumstances, or because they are in a complicated relationship or marriage, will choose to stick it out. To them I say beware: you will be victimized and you will pay a price, be it physically, psychologically, or even financially. I say that from experience. If you do choose to live with or work with a narcissistic personality, be prepared to accept the following:

1. Accept that you are not equals because narcissists feel that they have no equals.

2. Those feelings of insecurity, dismay, disbelief, or incongruity that you are experiencing are real and will continue.

3. Because narcissists overvalue themselves, you will be devalued in time and at all the times after that. You will, in essence, become the narcissist’s chew-toy. Gird yourself to be repeatedly degraded.

4. You will be talked to and treated in ways you never imagined, and you will be expected to tolerate it.

5. The narcissist’s needs, wants, and desires come first above all others—no matter how inconvenient to you.

6. Be prepared on a moment’s notice for them to turn on you with reptilian indifference at a moment’s notice, as if any positive interactions in the past did not matter. You will question your own sanity as they turn on you, but that is your reality when involved with a narcissist.

7. When narcissists are nice, they can be very nice; but if you still feel insecure, that is because it is a performance, not a true sentiment. Niceness is a tool for social survival—a means to get what they want, like needing a hammer to hang a picture.

8. You will lap up the narcissist’s niceness, poodle-like, because it doesn’t come often, but niceness for the narcissist is perfunctory; merely utilitarian.

9. Be prepared for when the narcissist lashes out not with anger, but with rage. It is frightening! You will feel attacked and your sense of dignity will be violated.

10. Morality, ethics, and kindness are mere words—narcissists master these for their practicality, not for their propriety.

11. Narcissists lie without concern for the truth because lies are useful for controlling and manipulating others. When you catch them in a lie, they will say that it is you who is lying or wrong, or that you misunderstood. Prepare to be attacked and to receive counter-allegations.

12. If it seems that they can only talk about themselves, even at the oddest of times, it is not your imagination. Narcissists can only talk about what they value most: themselves. That is their vacuous nature.

13. Narcissists will associate with individuals you would not trust to park your car because they attract those who see narcissism as something to value: e.g., the power-hungry, the unscrupulous, profiteers, opportunists, and social predators.

14. Never expect the narcissist to admit to a mistake or to apologize. Never! Blame is always outward toward you or others, never inward. Narcissists have no concept of self-awareness or introspection. But they are quick to see faults in others.

15. They expect you to forgive and forget and above all never to challenge them or make them look bad in public. You must remember that they always want to be perfect in public. Don’t embarrass them or contradict them publicly, or you will pay the price.

16. Get used to losing sleep, feeling anxious, restless, less in control, becoming increasingly worried, perhaps even developing psychosomatic ailments. That is what happens when you live with or associate with a narcissist. Those insecurities are your subconscious talking to you, telling you to escape.

17. Lacking both interest and true empathy in and for you, narcissists absolve themselves of that pesky social burden to care, leaving you deprived, empty, frustrated, or in pain.

18. They will be unwilling to acknowledge even the smallest thing that matters to you. In doing so, they devalue you, leaving you feeling unfulfilled and empty.

19. You will learn to deal with their indifference in one of two ways: you will work harder to get their attention—with little reward to you because it won’t matter to the narcissist—or you will become resigned and empty psychologically because narcissists drain you, one indignity at a time.

20. You will be expected to be their cheerleader at all times, even when it is you who needs encouragement the most.

This is the sad, unvarnished truth about how narcissists see themselves, how they will behave, and how they will make you feel. I wish it were a better picture, but talk to the survivors of these personalities and they will tell you: it is that bad, it is that toxic. Why? Because the truly narcissistic personality is “severely flawed of character.”

5 Types Of Extreme Narcissists

You hear the narcissist label used quite a lot these days—in ordinary conversation, in news articles, on television. Most people use the word to describe men and women who think a little too well of themselves and don’t have much regard for the feelings of others. It’s often deployed as a put-down and in the realm of politics, an attack weapon.

Listening to the way narcissist is commonly used, you might get the impression that all narcissists conform to a consistent pattern. But narcissism actually occurs along a continuum of expressions, with healthy self-esteem at one end and narcissistic personality disorder at the other. Even men and women who demonstrate its more toxic forms—those I refer to as “Extreme Narcissists” in my new book—don’t act alike. They have differing personality types and different modes of shoring up a grandiose self-image. They also affect your self-esteem in different ways when they interact with you.

From least to most toxic, here are five types of Extreme Narcissist you might encounter, with some advice for ways to handle them (and yourself) when you come into conflict. (Each type can, of course, be of any gender.) Bear in mind that Extreme Narcissists always need to prove that they are “winners” in comparison to other people they view as “losers,” though their methods vary.

The Know-It-All Narcissist

This person is always eager to give her opinion, even when unsolicited, and believes she knows more than anyone else, no matter the topic under conversation. She likes to lecture, and she has a hard time listening because she’s too busy thinking about what she wants to say next.

• How to Cope: If possible, ignore her “helpful” suggestions, or offer polite thanks and move on. A direct challenge will most likely lead her to escalate her efforts in order to prove herself as more clever or better informed. You might also try modeling humility and expressing a flexible point of view. Be open to her views without necessarily endorsing them. It also helps to have a sense of humor. If you’re not triggered by her superior or condescending manner, you might find the Know-It-All Narcissist a bit absurd and ultimately harmless.

The Grandiose Narcissist

This type more clearly demonstrates a familiar kind of narcissism we all recognize: He sees himself as more important, and more influential, than everyone else. He touts his own accomplishments, exaggerates their importance, and wants to elicit your envy or admiration. He believes he is destined for great things. When charismatic and driven, his achievements may actually match his ambition and you may find yourself drawn into an admiring orbit around him.

• How to Cope: His assertions of superiority might make you want to stand up for yourself and compete. Don’t. Any challenge will only cause him to escalate his efforts to appear superior. On the other hand, you may find yourself drawn to a Grandiose Narcissist with charisma because you want to share in his superiority. He might strike you as a sort of celebrity, a person you’d like to submit to and serve. Be careful not to give too much: The Grandiose Narcissist won’t feel grateful and will do nothing to help you unless there’s something in it for him. If necessary, he will discard you without a second thought.

The Seductive Narcissist

Unlike the other types of Extreme Narcissist discussed here, this one manipulates you by making you feel good about yourself. At first, she will appear to admire or even idealize you, but her ultimate goal is to make you feel the same way about her so she can use you. She wants your support and admiration and will flatter you in order to get it. But when she has no further use for you, she’ll give you the cold shoulder.

• How to Cope: It helps to be humble. Don’t be swayed by flattery or excessive admiration, as wonderful as it may feel to receive it. Watch how she treats other people who may be her rivals or cast-offs. Seeing them suffer under her callous indifference might give you a glimpse into your own future, once you’ve outlived your usefulness.

The Bullying Narcissist

This is the man who builds himself up by humiliating other people. Though he may share common traits with the Grandiose or Know-it-All Narcissist, he is more brutal about the way he asserts his superiority. He often relies on contempt to make others feel like losers, proving himself a winner in the process. He will belittle and mock you, and when he needs something from you, he may become threatening. At his most toxic, he will make you doubt yourself and your value as a human being.

• How to Cope: As cowardly as this may sound, the best thing to do is avoid ruffling his massive ego. Don’t fight back in obvious ways to stand up for yourself: A direct challenge will only escalate his assault on your personality. In the face of his attacks, you’ll need a very strong belief in your own self-worth, without having to prove it, and if you find you can’t bear such treatment in silence, you might want to put as much distance between you two as you can manage.

The Vindictive Narcissist

While it’s possible to co-exist with a Bullying Narcissist, provided you don’t pose too obvious a threat, once you become the target of a Vindictive Narcissist, she will try to destroy you. You may have challenged her superior status in some way you don’t even recognize, and as a result, she needs to prove you the ultimate loser by destroying you. She’ll talk trash about you to friends and family. She might try to get you fired. If she is your ex-wife, she might try to turn your children against you and spend years tying you up in family court.

• How to Cope: Whenever possible, distance yourself before the damage to your psyche and your reputation has gone too far. More so than with the other types of Extreme Narcissist, your approach here must be legalistic: Vindictive Narcissists often know how to disguise their true nature from people other than their victims, so your survival will depend upon having hard evidence. Preserve everything, especially toxic emails, texts, and other communication. Get witness statements from any friends who may have been spectators to the behavior. If necessary, hire a lawyer.

For those who ask, “What can I do?” Conventional wisdom advises seeing a trained professional for guidance. That is wise but not always available. In my experience, there is only one solution that works. Distance yourself from these individuals as soon as you recognize them for what they are and as soon as it is practical. Get as far as you can from them and as your wounds heal, you will see your life change for the better and your dignity restored. As painful as distancing yourself may be, it is often the only way to make the hurting stop and to restore your own physical and mental well-being.

But Can A Narcissist Change? Is There A Cure?

Although many would disagree with me I believe anything can be cured. I am a fan of Louise Hay’s book “You Can Heal Your Life” where she talks about how incurable means “to cure from within.” This means that when a doctor says something is incurable that means the doctors don’t have a medicine or treatment for it that is proven to work. However it doesn’t mean that the patient himself can’t find a cure from his own inner resources.

Every day people are proving the modern medicine wrong in their belief that something cannot be cured. People are curing themselves of cancer, heart disease and diabetes on a daily basis. People are being cured of mental diseases, personality disorders and just about everything there is a name for.

I read about a young girl who grew up with a severely abusive narcissistic father. The result was MPD or Multiple Personality Disorder. She claims to have had hundreds of different personalities living in her head. Now she is completely cured and a beacon of hope and support for others who have been through abuse.

If someone can be cured of MPD this severe, than one can certainly be cured of NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. However the individual with NPD has to want to change. He has to have hit some point in his life where the pain of staying the same outweighs the fear of change or in this case the fear of facing the truth.

I think the problem we have here is that most people seeking the change are the victims of narcissistic abuse, not the narcissist’s themselves. The victims entertain fantasies of approaching the narcissist and saying “honey, I think you might have a problem, or you may have narcissistic personality disorder, and I need you to get some help for this little problem or I’m going to leave.”

The fantasy is that the narcissist will say “yes, honey, you are absolutely right, I’ve always felt something was deeply wrong with me and I want to change. I will schedule an appointment with the therapist this week.”

HA! Not likely, although I’m sure some readers have heard a similar story in the narcissist’s attempt to gain control of the relationship.

The more likely reaction will be the wrath of narcissistic rage being unleashed upon you. You have just threatened his security, which is the illusion he lives in. You are likely to be the subject of attack on just why it is that YOU are the one with the problem and he will deliver his wrath in such a way you begin to believe it.

As victims we must look upon a narcissist as a child, in a sense. He doesn’t live in our reality nor can he hear our words. You must understand that he has carefully constructed his world to protect him. This means keep danger out! Any threat to his self-image is danger!

It is encouraged for victims of narcissistic abuse to focus on themselves rather than the narcissist. This is where true change happens. You cannot hope to change him but you can change yourself. This means refusing to tolerate abuse on any level and taking control of your experiences.

Most victims of abuse will find themselves leaving, eventually, when they realize they cannot change the person they are with. By the time I hear from the victims they are worn down, lost, feeling used, depleted and in the deepest pain they have ever felt. They have nothing left to give.

So the question many have is “How do I know I am not the narcissist?” Therapists will tell you “if you have to ask the question than it is highly unlikely that you are a narcissist because narcissistic personalities don’t think the problem is with them.” Victims of abuse often feel the problem is with them and this is re-enforced on a regular basis by the abuser.

Perhaps the reason we often feel that we are the one with the problem is because we seem to be suffering a whole lot more, we seem to be obsessed, weak, insecure, needy, fragile, sensitive and observing behavior in ourselves that we don’t like. Meanwhile the narcissist presents as strong, calm and confident. Next to the narcissists confident exterior, we might feel our light is pretty dim, in fact, in may cases we feel our light has been stuffed out altogether.

Not to say that victims of narcissistic abuse don’t have a problem. If you are a victim of consistent abuse then you do have a problem. The problem is you continue to allow yourself to be abused and the question would be why? This is where you need to get help for yourself. Find out why you are allowing it, why you are giving him your power and your energy.

The more you can take your focus off the narcissist and put it on yourself the better you will be. The more you focus on trying to cure the narcissist the more trouble you will find yourself in.

There are people who claim to have cured the narcissism in their relationships and I feel in some cases, it is entirely possible. Nearly anything is possible. But change begins from within and if you are a victim it is time to stop being a victim and start being a victor. Start finding ways to empower yourself, stop allowing the abuse, get help, get your power back!

If you are a narcissist looking for a cure! Good for you! You can set the example for those to come. Anything can be cured from within [respectably], if you are willing to put the effort forth and accept responsibility for whatever you are struggling with.